it hurts so bad

I've just gone and reread the posts on the page that comes up when I choose to "view blog"....  I have not been here in a while but perhaps I should come more often as it leaves my thoughts behind so someday, my jumbled up brain will be out there for the world to read about.

I finished watching This Is Us..  I don't know why but this show always makes me cry.   Always.  I am usually looking over at the photo of my son and daughter while sobbing.  It's closing in on two year since I have seen my son.  He will be turning 21 next April.  My daughter will graduate next spring and she, too, will be moving back to live with her dad.  Let me  say this..  I do not fault them for wanting to live with their dad.   Not one bit.  I just don't want to be forgotten along the way...which is exactly what my son has done.  He has forgotten me and it is as though he has no mom any more.

My heart breaks for the way I miss my son.  I find myself crying, sobbing really, just because I miss him.  And the hardest part?  He has given me no real reason why.  He tells me that I should know but I do not.  I have made open apologies which he has not accepted. I have asked to talk and listen.  He refuses.  He comes back to town and doesn't tell anyone.. and refuses to see anyone.. my daughter told me she did not see him but photos tell otherwise.  Sometimes my chest, my HEART, just plain old hurt.  I feel a physical pain and find myself with not only tears but physical pain.  My family tells me that they are sorry but it does no good for all I want is to talk to and see my son.  MY SON.  The child that made me a mom.  The person I curled up with on the couch when he was young to watch Blue's Clues.  The person that would sit in my lap wanting me to read just one more book.  The boy that could not wait to hug me.  That person that as I sit here typing brings tears to my eyes that are running down my cheeks, making my nose stuffy and my head hurt.

I often feel like there is no one I can talk to about how I truly really feel.  My heart hurts so bad for someone that has made a life choice to not have my in his life.

Confusingly, never enough

Do any of you ever feel like you're accomplishing something yet you get the distinct feeling that your spouse isn't satisfied with what you've done?

Yah. That's how I feel today.

Good night.

Farthest from

Lately I've been feeling like it doesn't matter. Lessons, teachable moments, .....they don't matter. "Seems like you're waiting to pick a fight, " he said. I guess I need to let go more? To me, though,  I feel as if I don't engage or speak up or attempt to offer an alternative, well, then am I following through on my commitment as a parent? I've said many times that I will stop asking questions about my step kids because then no one can get irritated or mad or NOTHING. But my heart tells me if I don't ask or don't engage then that means I don't care.  And not caring is the farthest from the truth.

💔

Sometimes,  your heart just breaks and you don't know what to do.

Do you ever

feel like breaking down and crying? Do you ever feel like curling up into a ball and just sobbing?

I do.

Is it silly?

So, as a teen/child/younger person, we need to others to like us. But don't we as adults also need others to like us to feel validated? Specifically,  is it ok for an adult to also quietly hope for those posts others make about us? Don't we feel good if people "like" or validate something we post? How many of you take it just a teeny tiny bit personal if your kids make a shout out on the other parents birthday but not yours? Or if your blended family only posts or less noticeably likes things only having to do with their full siblings not step siblings or step children or step parents? I tell myself this is my own issue and my own insecurities to work through but at the same time, isn't it normal to want those things, too, even as an adult?

With social media comes headache and I've seen heartache,  too. I guess I'm just curious if it bothers any of you,  too.

Left out

So, do any of you ever feel left out even if you're in a home full of people?

Where did I go wrong?

Well.

That really sucked.

blank

Before you read this, go and read the last post.  

Finished?  Well, because how I felt then is about how I am still feeling.  

I miss my kids.  As I said in the previous post, I have always respected that my kids see their dad less than they see me.  I have always told them to reach out and call or text or email whenever they want.  I have told them that it is easier since I am trying to respect their time there.  

This summer has been the worst summer of all.  The big shit.  And I hate it.  

Perhaps me trying to be respectful has backfired on me.  It doesn't seem to matter that I am their mom and always will be.  I have only heard from them when they need something.  On our week long vacation this year to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary (Yah, ma and dad!), it was as though my son did not want to have anything to do with me.  He seemed to have a nasty tone and apparently was talked to by three family members that heard and saw it.  

I guess I am inviting myself to my very own pity party.  Teenagers are self absorbed and impulsive.  But deep down, don't they want to talk to their mom SOMETIMES?  

I used to count the days until they came back for school.  This year, my son will not be coming back here as he moved out to live with his dad..  and my daughter?  Well, she has three more years of high school left.  In my opinion, she has drawn a very clear line in the proverbial sand and me and my family here don't even come close to what is offered to her in life with her dad.  An important event will take place this weekend and she has chosen to NOT attend.  Who really cares about her cousin's first birthday party anyway?

Like my ma said, I guess I need to find something else to occupy myself with in preparation for when they both are gone.  Something tells me the way they protect their dad, they way they think he got the sham when we divorced, the way he is perceived by them as the best.. well, if they only knew the whole truth.  Perhaps one day, they will hear my side of life.  For all they know is that their mom left their dad, moved far away, took them away from the only home they knew and I am the bad guy.  Huh.  Like I just said, perhaps one day they will know how I felt.  

And how I still feel.  

mixed feelings

So today was the day.  Today my son moved out.  He just graduated from high school but he moved out.  His dad and I are divorced and have been for six years.  After the divorce, I moved back to my home state of Illinois and left my ex in Ohio.  My kids moved here, too, but spent every summer there as well as spring break and all long holidays.  My son wanted to live there.  He (after much persuasion) finally applied to a college near by and will attend.  All I know is that he said it begins in October.  Other than that, I don't know anything.  I am very afraid that my son will not reach out to me.. perhaps won't keep in touch or come to see me very often.  Since the divorce, when the kids ( I also have a daughter a few years younger than my son) go to their dad's, I don't hear from them much.  I have always told myself I respect that they don't see him as much as my so I don't interrupt their time.  But now?  Now what since my son will be living there and there will be no divorce decree saying he spends this holiday or that time with this parent? 


Today, my heart is both happy and sad.  I am happy that I have raised (at least I hope I have) a good young man.  He is funny, polite, kind, good with kids, crazy about cars, handsome.. smart.  I am sad because I don't think I will ever again live under the same roof as he is.  He is my first born, my son.  And I will miss him like crazy. 

come and gone

so, the last post?  I did get a post about my bday but my daughter never got anything.  so it has come and gone and over with.


onto bigger and more important things, right? 


yes. 

let it go and no, I am not frozen

I have always allowed things to bother me when they should not.  For example, like today.  It is my daughter's birthday, yah, daughter!  Happy birthday!!  But it bothers me that she isn't getting the shout out that her step sister gives to all of her friends.  My daughter posted the most sincere greeting a few months ago for her sis's bday but nothing today for her.  Yah, I could say it's because one is not home and at a competition.  But it's difficult to say that when she is posting other stuff from the competition about friends.  Sound petty?  Many of you would say, Get over it!  If it doesn't bother your daughter, why let it bother you?  But the thing is, my daughter did say something.  She noticed. 


My hubby never posts in one social web site.. like never.  But he does post for his two kids bdays and he did for mine.  My two kids?  No postings.  Why does it bother me??  Why does it make me sad frustrated?  We've worked hard to blend our family, shouldn't they be treated the same?  We expect the same things from all 4 of them, shouldn't they expect the same from both of us, the parents? 


My good friend told me it is just the difference in how they were raised before we blended and that men and women are different.  This is know but it does not make it any easier.  I still feel bad when my daughter says to me, (insert step brother's name) did not even say happy birthday or (insert step sister's name) posts for all of her friends but nothing on my birthday.  I just reminded my daughter that the day is not over and perhaps a post will come later.  As for my husband, her step dad?  I don't know why.  Deep down I think it is because if he posts for my daughter, he will feel obligated to post for my son.. and they have butted heads over the years.


Oh, well.  It is what it is.  I need to learn to not be so sensitive and just take people for what they are.  I feel pride in that my kids reach out and if others do not, there is nothing I can do about it. 

almost home

Today is the day.  I drive to meet my ex to get the kids...they have spent the summer there...it has been since June 30 since I have seen my kids.

This summer was so very different from other summers.  Perhaps last summer was a precursor to this summer.  I have always told my kids that other than an occasional text, I wasn't going to intrude on their time with their dad.  I see my kids more and I respect the time their father has with them..but this summer was different.  Other than a text asking me a question that couldn't be answered by their dad, I heard nothing from either of my children.  I sent the random, hi, hope you have a good day text but the usual reply was "K" or "ok" or "thanks". 

So today I am filled with mixed emotions.  I am excited to see my kids but I also have this weird and strange anxiety.  They usually return to me somewhat crabby.  I am sure it is because they will miss their dad and being with me means school and responsibility.  But my heart asks this:  Do they ever miss me?  Do they ever feel sad or lonely for me? 

I will never know.  But today I must tell myself I will be happy because my two kids will be coming home with me.  They will be sleeping under the same roof as me.  And for that, I must be thankful. 

whoa

You know what I just thought of today? 

Well, it was in a round about way.  There are two babies going to be born into my family within the next few months.  I am both excited and happy.  I can't wait to meet my little cousin and my brother's baby!  Yet, I am so very sad.  Confusing, right?  Let me explain. 

Babies are awesome.  Babies smell good, unless they just pooped, and are warm and fuzzy and snuggly and just awesome.  You can hold a baby and fall asleep with them in your arms and you are their world.  Babies count on you to feed them, cloth them, protect them, .. they count on you to make sure they stay alive.  One day, those babies grow up and become little people.  They develop opinions and thoughts outside of you.  They become more autonomous and less dependent on you, their parent. 

I have a couple of my own babies but they aren't such babies any more.  My oldest is almost 17 and just over a year's time, he may be moving back to live with his dad.  While my brain knows that ALL kids, not just mine, will eventually grow up and move out and get a job and maybe get married and maybe have a family of their own, the very idea of my son leaving my house, for good, and not having the opportunity to hug him every day or see his face or watch him tell me some story about a car and see his expressions, is going to be so very difficult for me. 

I sit and cry as I type this.  My son and I butt heads and I know he thinks I am mean and expect too much from him but he is my first baby.  He is my little boy that used to cuddle up on the couch with me after lunch and watch Blue's Clues before he napped.  He is my little boy that used to beg me to read Caps For Sale a hundred times before bed.  He is my son that knew every word to Goodnight Moon and would correct me if I didn't read it verbatim.  He is my little boy that drove me nuts but I was so stinking proud of .. all of the time.  He is my little boy that used to draw me pictures with crayons and ask for Grommit toast and and and and and.. 

To my son.  I love you.  I love you more than you can imagine.  I love you bunches of oats.  I love you for the mere notion that you are my son.  I am forever proud of you.  I love you forever and unconditionally. 

I just want you to always know that.  No matter what.  Always. 

Mom

void

Well, I can hardly blame anyone else but me and my ex husband.  And if you ask him, he would blame only me. 

My kids, now 16 and 13, spend every summer with their dad in another state.  They leave a few days after school is over and for the past four years, have come to me and stayed for one week each summer.  This summer, however, my son, the 16 year old, decided he did not want to come here this summer.  My daughter, 13, came for a few days and brought a friend with her.  I am glad she wanted to bring her friend and glad her friend wanted to come but it just wasn't the same.  I had no alone time with my daughter... and as it turned out, my husband had business near where their dad lives (in the same house we bought when my son was less than a year old) so we ended up taking her back instead of meeting halfway in the state in between.  We were in the area somewhat (90 minutes away) for the next two days. I met up with some friends for lunch the next day and wanted to take my kids to dinner after.  My daughter was at a friend's house (the same friend that was just at my house and we dropped off) and did not want to leave.  My son said ok.. long story short, I waited for him for about an hour and then ended up taking him to McDonalds.  The next day, I had both kids and we met yet another friend and her kids for lunch.  I laughed alot this day and having my kids with was great.  I took them back to their dad's and said good bye. 

The following morning, on our way home, we had to travel north east and came right through the sleepy town my kids are in with their father.  I text my son and asked if I could stop by and just give them a hug and kiss.  He agreed and said he would make sure his sister was awake... even though it was already noon.  When I got there, they both dragged their feet outside and especially my daughter, looked really irritated.  Apparently my son woke her and she was not happy. 

I hugged them, kissed their cheek and was on my way. 

From the time my kids were born until I moved back to the state in which I grew up and all my family lived after the divorce, I was a full time mom.  A domestic engineer.  I did substitute in the school in which my children attended and was very active as a parent there, too.  But for the most part, I was home with my children.  I was the entertainment director each summer and would take trips to the library or the park or bake or walk or bike.. or go to movies.. whatever we did, I was there.  I am still employed by a school district so my summers are free now, too.  The difference is that my kids are absent from my summers.

And I miss them terribly.  My husband also travels for work and is gone for about 5 days every 5 week or so.  He is gone this week.  And I have found myself sitting on the couch, just crying because this house is so quiet and I feel so lonely.

I miss my kids so much.  

after a loss... finding your way. being happy!!

(the following is bits and pieces from another blog but rang so true for me and parts of my life.  you can find the original blog by clicking here...)

*********************************************

If someone makes you laugh, spend time time them.
If someone makes your heart beat a little faster, you let them.

Do what makes you happy every time. 

Haven't you been punished enough?  Why punish yourself more?  Is it so important to obey the "invisible rules" of loss?

Your life after loss is nobody's business but yours.

And for those who have kids with opinions about beginning again... listen carefully.

Kids should have no say in who you kiss, who you sleep with and who you talk to.  I understand that might sound harsh. I get it. 

But they could never walk in your shoes because they don't fit them. 

Hold your kids.  Love your kids.  But don't ask their permission. 

One day, when they get older and have the same shoes you have on, they will get you.  And more than respect your courage. 

Now go out and do what makes you happy. 

PS.  Anyone who is stopping your life from coming back, should not be in it.

_________________________________________________________________

I was in a very sad and painful place a few years back.  I recently thought about that time and how I had changed as a person over the previous decade before then.  I had lost myself, my sense of worth, love of myself, who I truly was, ... I lost that person and often wondered if life just didn't move on and if she was gone, she was just gone.  For many years, I had resigned myself to the fact that that marriage had changed me and there was no turning back.  It was my life story.  I am not certain what triggered it but I knew I had to find ME again.  I learned that if I wasn't happy, then I couldn't make anyone else happy. 

We never know what tomorrow might bring.  I've seen that life can be taken from us quietly and quickly, with no notice.  So, I say, love bravely.  Laugh loudly.  Smile often.  Give those dear to you hugs....  Don't let a day pass without letting someone know what they mean to you.  Maybe it's not always "appropriate" but if it were you leaving this world for another one, wouldn't you want to know you made a difference in someone's life?  Made someone smile?  Made someone's heart beat a little faster?  It's always the little things that mean so very much. 

I say, do what makes you happy! 

I am not stepping off of my soapbox.  But PLEASE!  Hug those people so you don't go to bed at night wishing you had. 

what does it mean already?

Whoa.  It has been quite some time since I wrote.  Well, not really, if you look back at the dates.  But if you REALLY look back, you can see that I used to post daily.  And sadly, sometimes, too many more than once. 

How many of you dream?  I mean DREAM and wake feeling as though you were just some place else?  Dreams can feel so real, can't they?  When I was a little girl, I had a recurring dream.  Even today, I have a visual in my head of an overcast, gloomy sky and I was always able to "float" above it all.  I recall that with just some concentrated thought, I could make myself rise into the air and float.  I wasn't flying...I did not have my arms out to my sides and be racing through the sky, "flying".  I was more "floating" through the air..  and it always seemed to be dusk or nighttime.  Just sitting here and thinking about it I remember being able to sort of take a deep breath and think myself rising about the treetops and having such a peaceful feeling. 

Unfortunately, I have not had that dream in many years.  Many, many years. 

Instead, I have been having dreams that are out of the ordinary.  With people I wouldn't think would be in my dreams..  And yet, they once again, are so very real.  Have you ever had a dream with someone in it and then when you see the person, you sort of have to smile because only YOU know the dream?? And what if the dream is so far fetched you know it would never happen yet it seems like it really happened? 

Yeah, those kinds of dreams. 

Wouldn't it be cool if dreams sometimes, and only sometimes, really happened and only those people in the dream knew about it?  Perhaps like an ESP or some covert way to be real, to be honest and it only happened in the dream and only those people knew... yet, somehow, it really wasn't a dream in it's entirety and it really happened?

Huh.  What do you think about that?

Dreams.  What do they mean already?....

all in your head

Anyone else feeling down this time of year?  Has anyone else been told by their doctor that they have SAD or seasonal affective disorder? 

I was told this by my doctor years ago.  I usually can get through the holidays but then come January and February, and I am done.  I feel like I am in a time warp and all the days blend into one.  I feel lethargic and not much makes me happy.  I am aware of it and I consciously try to open the shades to let the sun in whenever it decides to make an appearance. 

But some days, I just feel down.  I feel as though I could (and sometimes do) cry for no reason other than to cry.  Often times this helps, but other times, I just feel like I am being ridiculous. 

Today, and not for the first time, I was told that this disorder and more specifically, depression, is all in my  head.  Literally.. that all I need to do is make the decision to NOT be depressed or sad and it will change.  To some extent, I agree.  We all make choices.  We can choose to allow someone or something bother us or not.  But I also think that if you are predisposed whether by genetics or life experience to something, there is only so much you can do. 

How do YOU feel about this?  What do you do to combat the winter blues, or SAD? 

talking to the wall

dear internet,
I have not written to you in a very long time.  I used to write to you about MY life, my personal musings.  Today I write out of pure and unadulterated frustration.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out why one of my kids chooses to not work hard in school.  He is smart.. he has proven himself in more than one way that he has the capacity to DO.  He simply decided to NOT do.

I have tried what in my opinion is pretty much what I can.  I have reached out to counselors at school.  I have reached out to the vice principal of student affairs at school.  I have reached out to teachers.  I have reached out to a professional counselor.  I have attempted to get his bio dad involved but I can't get him on board either.

I have never felt like more of a failure.  What have I missed?  What else can I do?

This sucks.

Better luck next time, huh?

Sincerely,
me

ever wonder?

do you ever wonder when your time is up?  I mean, come on. we really don't know when it's our last day.  do you ever wonder what emotions you  might be feeling when you may be granted those precious moments before you know you're a goner?  do you hope to know you are gonna be a goner?  or do you want to go fast and quick and not know?

death scares me.  it scares the shit out of me.  I have lost grandparents, friends and neighbors.  I have seen the reality of the unknown in the face of a little boy fighting cancer.  I held the hand of my beloved Gumma when she left this world for a better one.  it was as though I could feel the life leave her body and at the same time, I felt like something was sucked out of me as well.  at that moment, I knew I would never hear her voice again, or feel her arms around me.  or get that phone call every single year for as long as I can remember on my birthday.  and I miss her. 

this post wasn't meant to be about my late grandma but rather a vague, nondescript post.  somehow it turned into me sitting here with tears rolling down my face. 

so I am outta here.  today the sun is shining and I would rather push the entire thought of how much death scares me to the side and remember my lost family and friends..  so go ahead, Gumma.. have another dum dum lollipop!  muah!