whoa

You know what I just thought of today? 

Well, it was in a round about way.  There are two babies going to be born into my family within the next few months.  I am both excited and happy.  I can't wait to meet my little cousin and my brother's baby!  Yet, I am so very sad.  Confusing, right?  Let me explain. 

Babies are awesome.  Babies smell good, unless they just pooped, and are warm and fuzzy and snuggly and just awesome.  You can hold a baby and fall asleep with them in your arms and you are their world.  Babies count on you to feed them, cloth them, protect them, .. they count on you to make sure they stay alive.  One day, those babies grow up and become little people.  They develop opinions and thoughts outside of you.  They become more autonomous and less dependent on you, their parent. 

I have a couple of my own babies but they aren't such babies any more.  My oldest is almost 17 and just over a year's time, he may be moving back to live with his dad.  While my brain knows that ALL kids, not just mine, will eventually grow up and move out and get a job and maybe get married and maybe have a family of their own, the very idea of my son leaving my house, for good, and not having the opportunity to hug him every day or see his face or watch him tell me some story about a car and see his expressions, is going to be so very difficult for me. 

I sit and cry as I type this.  My son and I butt heads and I know he thinks I am mean and expect too much from him but he is my first baby.  He is my little boy that used to cuddle up on the couch with me after lunch and watch Blue's Clues before he napped.  He is my little boy that used to beg me to read Caps For Sale a hundred times before bed.  He is my son that knew every word to Goodnight Moon and would correct me if I didn't read it verbatim.  He is my little boy that drove me nuts but I was so stinking proud of .. all of the time.  He is my little boy that used to draw me pictures with crayons and ask for Grommit toast and and and and and.. 

To my son.  I love you.  I love you more than you can imagine.  I love you bunches of oats.  I love you for the mere notion that you are my son.  I am forever proud of you.  I love you forever and unconditionally. 

I just want you to always know that.  No matter what.  Always. 

Mom