Monday, September 18, 2017

💔

Sometimes,  your heart just breaks and you don't know what to do.

Monday, September 04, 2017

Question

Dear internet,
I was asked today why I was crabby. To me, I was quiet. Not crabby. Sometimes life sneaks up on you all at once. I have one child that has forgotten I exist. I have another child that for the most part is fine but sometimes I wonder if I'm failing her, too. I have two bonus kids as well. My ss has reached the age where he knows everything and since he's not "my" child and he has a mom that has threatened in the past,  there is a line I won't cross. My sd has come a long way over the years but she's clearly a daddy's girl and I am still, at least to me, in the background. My husband? He's great. I say that honestly but in reality, all spouses have ups and downs. I know it's my issue but I envy the relationship he has with his kids.  I often feel jealous of his doting on his kids and secretly wish he would me as well. That sounds all wrong but anyone can clearly see the love he has for his children and I would be grateful if his love for me would be as obvious.  I often feel two steps behind and often,  I am literally walking behind everyone else.

I know these are my issues to work through and I own them, however, sometimes life seems to just envelope you.

And you feel sad.

Sincerely,
Me

Do you ever

feel like breaking down and crying? Do you ever feel like curling up into a ball and just sobbing?

I do.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Sometimes

When you remarry, you also in a strange way marry the ex. At least I did. She's around. For a long time, she was difficult.  Mean, really. Now, just annoying.  Even though my husband left his ex for good reason, I still sometimes feel, well, sadly.... jealous.  Why is that?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Gone

My husband always wants me to downsize...the top of my desk, my closet, my drawers, stuff in my car, etc. Today I cleaned out my closet. I have 23 things I'm parting with. I hope that's good for now.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Is it silly?

So, as a teen/child/younger person, we need to others to like us. But don't we as adults also need others to like us to feel validated? Specifically,  is it ok for an adult to also quietly hope for those posts others make about us? Don't we feel good if people "like" or validate something we post? How many of you take it just a teeny tiny bit personal if your kids make a shout out on the other parents birthday but not yours? Or if your blended family only posts or less noticeably likes things only having to do with their full siblings not step siblings or step children or step parents? I tell myself this is my own issue and my own insecurities to work through but at the same time, isn't it normal to want those things, too, even as an adult?

With social media comes headache and I've seen heartache,  too. I guess I'm just curious if it bothers any of you,  too.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Left out

So, do any of you ever feel left out even if you're in a home full of people?

Friday, January 06, 2017

Where did I go wrong?

Well.

That really sucked.

Monday, January 02, 2017

I'd like them to know

I haven't been here in awhile but the feelings are the same. Why am I feeling jealous? Perhaps it's not jealousy but something like it. Over the past few years, I feel like my kids are slipping away.  I get that as they grow, mom is needed less and their independence blossoms.  Why then do I feel like I've lost my son and my daughter is starting down the same path? And you know who I feel.like I've lost them to?

Him.

The guy that I think they believe has never done anything wrong. Ever. He's more fun. He does their laundry. He doesn't hold them accountable for chores. He isn't the one on them about homework, studying.

One day, I'd like them to know why I left. One day, I'd like them to know that I was in counseling for quite some time, wanting to work on things. I'd like them to know that he went ONCE and never went back because he believed there was nothing wrong with him and it was all me. (I know this because that's what he told me.)  I'd like them to know that when I stood between him and the TV, begging him to listen, to talk with me...that he looked around me and told me to move because he couldn't see the TV. I'd like them to know how crappy it felt being out with my kids, headed to the library and we see him out in his car with another woman in it and being asked who she is. I'd like them to know how it felt to answer your phone to have a man ask you if you know what's going on between your spouse and the man's wife that's calling. I'd like them to know you were told by him that he should be rewarded with sex when he comes to bed at night.

There's so much I'd like them to know and I can vent here because I know they'll never read it. But now it's out there.

I'd like them to know that I miss them, too, when they're gone. I'd like them to know that I'm not perfect and I'm partly to blame for the divorce.  I'd like them to know so many things. But I guess until they do, he's always going to be defended and protected by them. I guess I'm the bad guy to them.

One day, I'd like them to know.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Frustrated

Sometimes I get so frustrated. I'm always the bad guy. I'm the one that messed up lives. I apparently make people feel guilty.  What happened to people taking responsibility for themselves?

If the two of them only knew the truth about everything, perhaps their loyalty wouldn't be so one sided!

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Cold sunshine

Today the sun is shining.  It's chilly but there is warmth in the sunshine.

Monday, October 03, 2016

Dang.

Boy.  I know when I'm not needed.

Friday, August 12, 2016

blank

Before you read this, go and read the last post.  

Finished?  Well, because how I felt then is about how I am still feeling.  

I miss my kids.  As I said in the previous post, I have always respected that my kids see their dad less than they see me.  I have always told them to reach out and call or text or email whenever they want.  I have told them that it is easier since I am trying to respect their time there.  

This summer has been the worst summer of all.  The big shit.  And I hate it.  

Perhaps me trying to be respectful has backfired on me.  It doesn't seem to matter that I am their mom and always will be.  I have only heard from them when they need something.  On our week long vacation this year to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary (Yah, ma and dad!), it was as though my son did not want to have anything to do with me.  He seemed to have a nasty tone and apparently was talked to by three family members that heard and saw it.  

I guess I am inviting myself to my very own pity party.  Teenagers are self absorbed and impulsive.  But deep down, don't they want to talk to their mom SOMETIMES?  

I used to count the days until they came back for school.  This year, my son will not be coming back here as he moved out to live with his dad..  and my daughter?  Well, she has three more years of high school left.  In my opinion, she has drawn a very clear line in the proverbial sand and me and my family here don't even come close to what is offered to her in life with her dad.  An important event will take place this weekend and she has chosen to NOT attend.  Who really cares about her cousin's first birthday party anyway?

Like my ma said, I guess I need to find something else to occupy myself with in preparation for when they both are gone.  Something tells me the way they protect their dad, they way they think he got the sham when we divorced, the way he is perceived by them as the best.. well, if they only knew the whole truth.  Perhaps one day, they will hear my side of life.  For all they know is that their mom left their dad, moved far away, took them away from the only home they knew and I am the bad guy.  Huh.  Like I just said, perhaps one day they will know how I felt.  

And how I still feel.  

Saturday, June 18, 2016

mixed feelings

So today was the day.  Today my son moved out.  He just graduated from high school but he moved out.  His dad and I are divorced and have been for six years.  After the divorce, I moved back to my home state of Illinois and left my ex in Ohio.  My kids moved here, too, but spent every summer there as well as spring break and all long holidays.  My son wanted to live there.  He (after much persuasion) finally applied to a college near by and will attend.  All I know is that he said it begins in October.  Other than that, I don't know anything.  I am very afraid that my son will not reach out to me.. perhaps won't keep in touch or come to see me very often.  Since the divorce, when the kids ( I also have a daughter a few years younger than my son) go to their dad's, I don't hear from them much.  I have always told myself I respect that they don't see him as much as my so I don't interrupt their time.  But now?  Now what since my son will be living there and there will be no divorce decree saying he spends this holiday or that time with this parent? 


Today, my heart is both happy and sad.  I am happy that I have raised (at least I hope I have) a good young man.  He is funny, polite, kind, good with kids, crazy about cars, handsome.. smart.  I am sad because I don't think I will ever again live under the same roof as he is.  He is my first born, my son.  And I will miss him like crazy. 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

come and gone

so, the last post?  I did get a post about my bday but my daughter never got anything.  so it has come and gone and over with.


onto bigger and more important things, right? 


yes. 

Saturday, March 12, 2016

let it go and no, I am not frozen

I have always allowed things to bother me when they should not.  For example, like today.  It is my daughter's birthday, yah, daughter!  Happy birthday!!  But it bothers me that she isn't getting the shout out that her step sister gives to all of her friends.  My daughter posted the most sincere greeting a few months ago for her sis's bday but nothing today for her.  Yah, I could say it's because one is not home and at a competition.  But it's difficult to say that when she is posting other stuff from the competition about friends.  Sound petty?  Many of you would say, Get over it!  If it doesn't bother your daughter, why let it bother you?  But the thing is, my daughter did say something.  She noticed. 


My hubby never posts in one social web site.. like never.  But he does post for his two kids bdays and he did for mine.  My two kids?  No postings.  Why does it bother me??  Why does it make me sad frustrated?  We've worked hard to blend our family, shouldn't they be treated the same?  We expect the same things from all 4 of them, shouldn't they expect the same from both of us, the parents? 


My good friend told me it is just the difference in how they were raised before we blended and that men and women are different.  This is know but it does not make it any easier.  I still feel bad when my daughter says to me, (insert step brother's name) did not even say happy birthday or (insert step sister's name) posts for all of her friends but nothing on my birthday.  I just reminded my daughter that the day is not over and perhaps a post will come later.  As for my husband, her step dad?  I don't know why.  Deep down I think it is because if he posts for my daughter, he will feel obligated to post for my son.. and they have butted heads over the years.


Oh, well.  It is what it is.  I need to learn to not be so sensitive and just take people for what they are.  I feel pride in that my kids reach out and if others do not, there is nothing I can do about it.