first and end

I am certain I have shared that I drive a school bus. I recently changed routes but I wanted to write about something from my previous route. I drove an elementary school in the morning, a different elementary in the afternoon as well as a middle school. The neighborhood that I visited each morning was a coffee clutch type neighborhood. Parents stood outside waiting for the bus with their children. And even as I pulled away or drove past other stops for other buses, parents stood outside and chatted even after their child was picked up for the day. A parent of one of the kids on my route works near where I live and I bumped into her one day. She shared that at times it was difficult to leave the corner chat sessions. Here is what I want to share. Sometimes, seeing those parents standing outside with their kids, waiting for the bus, reminded me of when my kids were younger. When I lived in my previous state, we lived close enough to the school so they were not bussed, yet far enough that I drove them each day. I thought back to when I could stay in my pj's and drive them to school, only to come home and do what I wanted. Clean, laundry, run errands or even go back to bed if I wanted. I remember the innocence of my kids then. Now, they aren't out of school or even being close to being finished but it is different. I am working.. driving that school bus.. so I am not home in the mornings any more.. I miss them when they first wake up in the morning. I cannot give them a kiss before they begin their day and tell them that I love them. I don't see them when they get home and can ask how their day was. I miss the after school snacks.

I cherish the time I had as a full time stay at home mom....my time as a domestic engineer. Those days of when my kids were young are days that can never be returned should you miss them. I like my life right now. I am not teaching kids in the classroom but yet I am the first person they see each morning and the last the person they see at the end of the day. I greet my students each morning as they board my bus with a good morning or hello. Each afternoon, I tell them to have a good day, see you tomorrow.

I made a difference in the lives of my own two kids. I can only hope I can make a difference in the life of even one student... Then my job is complete.

river runs through it.. or not.

The last post was post number 888. I began this blog over five years ago. I used to blog alot, often and about lots of different things. I don't really any more. One reason is facebook. You get more interaction on that social media place.. but shouldn't blogging be for you? A place for you to vent, to share, to bitch, to whatever? Should we worry who may come and read our blogs? Should we even care?

My head hurts, not literally, but is aching with stuff. Worry, heartache, mixed in with happiness... Remember that molasses river I mentioned in a previous post? Still running slow as ever. I have quit asking because if I don't ask, then I can't be disappointed with the answer, right? Yup, that's how I see it.

I am also frustrated, especially today. Do you ever scratch your head and ask yourself, Why? Or better yet, just a big, heavy, HUH.

Life isn't fair. Didn't your parents tell you that many times when you were growing up? And didn't you always think to yourself, boy, my folks say that all the time. And now that we are full fledged grown ups, we know it to be oh so true. I would say for the most part, I am an optimistic, happy person. I have difficulty, however, with things that don't sit right with me. Life, in the big scheme of things, is NOT fair. But as parents, shouldn't we try to make it an "equality" in our home? Sure, there will be exceptions.... for age, gender, maturity level, proven track records... My struggle is that I still must be careful.... those damn eggshells are still underneath my feet. It's getting really fricking old to have to worry about cracking them.... sometimes in life, shit happens. Yes, I said it. Shit happens. One thing my Dad always taught us growing up is something that I say often to my own kids, to other family/friends. Are you ready?

Feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are.

Again? FEELINGS AREN'T RIGHT OR WRONG. THEY JUST ARE.

You cannot control how you feel.... whether it's sad, happy, disappointed, frustrated, pissed off, irritated, annoyed, nervous, worried, anxious... it's what or how you react or respond to those feelings that you CAN control. YOU control it. Maybe you don't agree with something but it's how you choose to share that with someone can completely make or break a mood. For example, most of us decorate for the holidays. But what if you live with someone who for the most part could care less whether there is anything more than a simple tree up? You actually enjoy looking through the holiday stuff and unpacking and then repacking, knowing that next year, it will be like a new treasure to unwrap and think back to the previous year.. you tell yourself, Oh, remember last year... The other person is entitled to not like to do that or even participate in the unpacking or repacking... but how they react (say complaining most of the day while you are trying to enjoy and savor the holiday moment) can have a significant impact on your mood. The other's feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. But the choice of verbalizing them to someone who enjoys something, can be a damper.

Anyway, I have always told my kids that hate is too strong of a word and should be only used when absolutely necessary. I am beginning to hate a situation. (Who am I kidding?! I have disliked it for some time.) It's the molasses river.

And it's sticky stuff.

the dog

hmm... that time of year again. I can usually get through the holidays and then after the first of the year, the down in the dumps set in. the weather so far is not "winterish"... I saw flurries for the first time yesterday. we have had some cold days but no snow. the holiday stuff is up but in some way, it feels strange.. no snow yet!

other things are on my mind, too. let's just say the molasses river has never seems slower. come on, already!

oh, I had a dog climb onto my bus the other morning, too. A DOG.

november 20, 2005

have I really been at this for six years? it was my blogoversary yesterday. but if you follow me at all, I was put through the ringer last week. I am actually sitting at the computer typing this. and all I can think about is taking a nap.

I had surgery last wednesday.. and in the big scheme of things, it went well. recovery has been more than I expected. but my DR has reassured me being tired is normal. I need to listen to my body and rest and sleep when it is telling me. right now, it is telling me to go and sleep for a bit.

and that is exactly what I am going to do.

t minus...

tomorrow is the prep day. I will be preparing my body for my surgery. I am nervous.. I have never gone through this preparation before. I have heard many different ends of how your body can react. I am really not looking forward to it.

and then there is Wednesday.

I am very nervous and anxious. there are so many unknowns... I am going in for pretty much something I don't know. and for added worry, there are other things in my life which are on my mind. and it all makes me sad.

if I could truly explain how it all makes me feel,.. well, then you might understand. but I often feel as though it goes without saying that what I am feeling isn't important, valued, "right"... damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't do, say anything right. I am truly exhausted and tired of feeling like the one at fault.. the one who is mistaken.

it is so very, very exhausting.

unknown

does anyone ever fear the unknown? big, real issues unknown, and also the little things we just don't know? I am having surgery in less than two weeks and the big picture is pretty much unknown. Yes, I fear death. who really knows what happens when we die? but I suppose without it looming over my head, I don't think about it as often. this surgery, however, is definitely looming over my head. and it scares me to not know.. to not know what they are going to tell me afterward. if I was having say, knee surgery, then I would know before what was wrong with my knee and the intended outcome. this, however, is just.. there is something there that shouldn't be.. and we need to take care of it.

bottom line, I am very anxious. and hope I can sleep until this is over. and once I wake up in recovery, I am hoping my worry was for nothing too big.

it's friday!

Has it really been that long since I have posted? Yes! Every morning when I am driving my bus alone, and it is quiet, I tell myself to come home and blog. I have more than one blog so just pick one. I used to blog often, sometimes multiple times a day, but now? Why is it that I don't write as often? Are my worries gone? No. Is my life so boring I have nothing to write about? I don't think so. Time? I do know this.. I did blog as a way to vent... I have been told by some they could read between the lines and see how unhappy I was. But now? Am I writing less because I am happy? Is my life mundane I just figure you won't be interested?

I don't know.

But I do know that today was a feel good morning. I had a few different conversations with both kids and parents.. it was one of those feelings when no matter what it is you're doing for your profession, you feel as though you are making a difference.

It was a good morning!

puffy eyes

I have done more crying the past week or so than I have in quite some time. I cried when he left.. after I dropped him off at the airport. I cried myself to sleep one night for missing him. I cried the day he was coming home for I was a nervous wreck worrying about him coming home safe. I cried yesterday because of many emotions. I was frustrated, mad, unhappy, ...

I am a crier. Always have been, always will be I suppose. And then to have my daughter say to me, are you okay, mommy? And for my son to ask me who died... I reply no one. And then he asks, why are you crying?

I felt like things were not being fair... someone made a mental decision that had an effect on the rest of our day. I feel as though it puts me in the middle...I am on the kids to make sure they don't make anyone mad. But then I am frustrated because I am on them more than usual just to not make anyone mad.. but in the end, I am the one feeling stuck in the middle.. and I absolutely do not like the way it makes me feel. In fact, I hate the way it makes me feel. And I always tell my kids to not use the word hate because it is such a strong word. But I hate the way I feel when I am feeling stuck in the middle of the one I love and my kids.

It just plain sucks.

(smile)

ah, today. I am feeling a bit refreshed today. is it the sun shining? maybe. is it the season? maybe. (I love fall!) is it because he is home? yup. can you really miss someone when they're gone that it hurts? and then when they are back, you just can't get enough of them?

I just love him!

nuts.

Each time I open up this thing called blogger and log in, open this page with an empty dialog box, it seems that I have so much to write about yet almost every time, I sit and wonder what to write. There are many things going on in my life that I could write about but sometimes I think too many of you know about this site and then that would be letting you all in on the everydays and mundanes of my life. Yet on the flip side, there may be, just may be, some of you readers that could give a crap about who I am and you just want to read.


There is an ex that is driving me nuts.

The end.

time

august 20, huh? that was the last time I sat and wrote here.

hmm... I don't have anything I want to share right now. at least not here. sorry.

new direction

in a nutshell, something great happened the other day. it is still in the works so I am not going to jinx it... but I will return when my gut and my heart give the all go with it. keep all fingers crossed for a smooth transition.

who really cares?

As I sit and look at this blank page, so many things. I haven't written in some time. There used to be so much "stuff" happening in my life that it was easy to just have a total and complete word vomit. But now? How personal do I get when I know this is public site and potential ex-be's may read. Part of me is worried how they take it, what they read... But an even bigger part of me says, WHO REALLY CARES? If they want to be a voyeur in my life, to be snooping into what I am doing and with whom, they so be it. I am not doing anything I am ashamed of. humph.

There are quite a few new beginnings happening. Hmm.. the new school year. Hard to believe it is my daughter's last year in elementary school and my son's last year in middle school. Where has the time gone? I will still be driving a bus just for a different company. We don't have our routes yet but I am hoping to drive for the same school.. and even part or all of my route. I am also looking into other part time work to equal it all out. Keep your fingers crossed.

My chalupa is embarking on a new adventure, too. A new job, new adventure. It is still fresh but I think he will embrace the changes and all that comes with it. Keep your toes crossed, too.

So happy for my friend who is beginning another chapter. She is starting up her own business and has been handed the opportunity to begin to build up her clients. I am so excited for her! Keep anything else crossed for my friend.

So, what is happening with you?

crazy. stupid. love.

have you heard of the movie? well, I saw it today. it began rather slow but picked up and besides, I think Steve Carell is very funny. (did I spell his name right?) it was one of those makes you think movies...

this is what I knew of it before I saw it. a married couple, one that had been married for a long time, is getting divorced. the husband, Steve Carell, is out trying to find his way in the world of dating. yup, that is about it. turns out, it is more complicated than that but I don't want to give too much away. let's just say it made me think about when I met the man that I thought I would be with forever.. it also made me think about the man I am with now. our kids. how do our kids feel about everything that has happened in our lives? will they one day understand why we made the decisions we made? will they agree with our decisions or think we made mistakes? will they look at us with more or less understanding?

the movie made me think about how someone can change you. no, not how you can change someone but rather how being with someone gives you a different perspective or outlook on life, on who you are. can someone "change" you?... can they bring out the person you were destined to be anyway? can someone compliment your being so the intrinsic YOU emerges and blesses the world with the real you? can you look at someone and just love them from the depths of who you are?

yes, it will be called by some probably most a chick flick. but I will disagree. go see it. I think most won't regret it. ...

you'll smile when you take a listen

... ....

I still have nothing. a one liner won't do it for me. humph.