Wednesday, October 24, 2018
I finished watching This Is Us.. I don't know why but this show always makes me cry. Always. I am usually looking over at the photo of my son and daughter while sobbing. It's closing in on two year since I have seen my son. He will be turning 21 next April. My daughter will graduate next spring and she, too, will be moving back to live with her dad. Let me say this.. I do not fault them for wanting to live with their dad. Not one bit. I just don't want to be forgotten along the way...which is exactly what my son has done. He has forgotten me and it is as though he has no mom any more.
My heart breaks for the way I miss my son. I find myself crying, sobbing really, just because I miss him. And the hardest part? He has given me no real reason why. He tells me that I should know but I do not. I have made open apologies which he has not accepted. I have asked to talk and listen. He refuses. He comes back to town and doesn't tell anyone.. and refuses to see anyone.. my daughter told me she did not see him but photos tell otherwise. Sometimes my chest, my HEART, just plain old hurt. I feel a physical pain and find myself with not only tears but physical pain. My family tells me that they are sorry but it does no good for all I want is to talk to and see my son. MY SON. The child that made me a mom. The person I curled up with on the couch when he was young to watch Blue's Clues. The person that would sit in my lap wanting me to read just one more book. The boy that could not wait to hug me. That person that as I sit here typing brings tears to my eyes that are running down my cheeks, making my nose stuffy and my head hurt.
I often feel like there is no one I can talk to about how I truly really feel. My heart hurts so bad for someone that has made a life choice to not have my in his life.
Thursday, July 05, 2018
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Lately I've been feeling like it doesn't matter. Lessons, teachable moments, .....they don't matter. "Seems like you're waiting to pick a fight, " he said. I guess I need to let go more? To me, though, I feel as if I don't engage or speak up or attempt to offer an alternative, well, then am I following through on my commitment as a parent? I've said many times that I will stop asking questions about my step kids because then no one can get irritated or mad or NOTHING. But my heart tells me if I don't ask or don't engage then that means I don't care. And not caring is the farthest from the truth.
Friday, February 09, 2018
Thursday, January 25, 2018
I just need to vent about getting my shit in order. You really try to be a person that communicates well. I think I do but hey, what do I know? I wear my heart on my sleeve and TO. A. FAULT. Why do I expect too much? Ok bye.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Monday, September 04, 2017
I was asked today why I was crabby. To me, I was quiet. Not crabby. Sometimes life sneaks up on you all at once. I have one child that has forgotten I exist. I have another child that for the most part is fine but sometimes I wonder if I'm failing her, too. I have two bonus kids as well. My ss has reached the age where he knows everything and since he's not "my" child and he has a mom that has threatened in the past, there is a line I won't cross. My sd has come a long way over the years but she's clearly a daddy's girl and I am still, at least to me, in the background. My husband? He's great. I say that honestly but in reality, all spouses have ups and downs. I know it's my issue but I envy the relationship he has with his kids. I often feel jealous of his doting on his kids and secretly wish he would me as well. That sounds all wrong but anyone can clearly see the love he has for his children and I would be grateful if his love for me would be as obvious. I often feel two steps behind and often, I am literally walking behind everyone else.
I know these are my issues to work through and I own them, however, sometimes life seems to just envelope you.
And you feel sad.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
When you remarry, you also in a strange way marry the ex. At least I did. She's around. For a long time, she was difficult. Mean, really. Now, just annoying. Even though my husband left his ex for good reason, I still sometimes feel, well, sadly.... jealous. Why is that?
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
So, as a teen/child/younger person, we need to others to like us. But don't we as adults also need others to like us to feel validated? Specifically, is it ok for an adult to also quietly hope for those posts others make about us? Don't we feel good if people "like" or validate something we post? How many of you take it just a teeny tiny bit personal if your kids make a shout out on the other parents birthday but not yours? Or if your blended family only posts or less noticeably likes things only having to do with their full siblings not step siblings or step children or step parents? I tell myself this is my own issue and my own insecurities to work through but at the same time, isn't it normal to want those things, too, even as an adult?
With social media comes headache and I've seen heartache, too. I guess I'm just curious if it bothers any of you, too.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Friday, January 06, 2017
Monday, January 02, 2017
I haven't been here in awhile but the feelings are the same. Why am I feeling jealous? Perhaps it's not jealousy but something like it. Over the past few years, I feel like my kids are slipping away. I get that as they grow, mom is needed less and their independence blossoms. Why then do I feel like I've lost my son and my daughter is starting down the same path? And you know who I feel.like I've lost them to?
The guy that I think they believe has never done anything wrong. Ever. He's more fun. He does their laundry. He doesn't hold them accountable for chores. He isn't the one on them about homework, studying.
One day, I'd like them to know why I left. One day, I'd like them to know that I was in counseling for quite some time, wanting to work on things. I'd like them to know that he went ONCE and never went back because he believed there was nothing wrong with him and it was all me. (I know this because that's what he told me.) I'd like them to know that when I stood between him and the TV, begging him to listen, to talk with me...that he looked around me and told me to move because he couldn't see the TV. I'd like them to know how crappy it felt being out with my kids, headed to the library and we see him out in his car with another woman in it and being asked who she is. I'd like them to know how it felt to answer your phone to have a man ask you if you know what's going on between your spouse and the man's wife that's calling. I'd like them to know you were told by him that he should be rewarded with sex when he comes to bed at night.
There's so much I'd like them to know and I can vent here because I know they'll never read it. But now it's out there.
I'd like them to know that I miss them, too, when they're gone. I'd like them to know that I'm not perfect and I'm partly to blame for the divorce. I'd like them to know so many things. But I guess until they do, he's always going to be defended and protected by them. I guess I'm the bad guy to them.
One day, I'd like them to know.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Sometimes I get so frustrated. I'm always the bad guy. I'm the one that messed up lives. I apparently make people feel guilty. What happened to people taking responsibility for themselves?
If the two of them only knew the truth about everything, perhaps their loyalty wouldn't be so one sided!