blank

Before you read this, go and read the last post.  

Finished?  Well, because how I felt then is about how I am still feeling.  

I miss my kids.  As I said in the previous post, I have always respected that my kids see their dad less than they see me.  I have always told them to reach out and call or text or email whenever they want.  I have told them that it is easier since I am trying to respect their time there.  

This summer has been the worst summer of all.  The big shit.  And I hate it.  

Perhaps me trying to be respectful has backfired on me.  It doesn't seem to matter that I am their mom and always will be.  I have only heard from them when they need something.  On our week long vacation this year to celebrate my parents 50th wedding anniversary (Yah, ma and dad!), it was as though my son did not want to have anything to do with me.  He seemed to have a nasty tone and apparently was talked to by three family members that heard and saw it.  

I guess I am inviting myself to my very own pity party.  Teenagers are self absorbed and impulsive.  But deep down, don't they want to talk to their mom SOMETIMES?  

I used to count the days until they came back for school.  This year, my son will not be coming back here as he moved out to live with his dad..  and my daughter?  Well, she has three more years of high school left.  In my opinion, she has drawn a very clear line in the proverbial sand and me and my family here don't even come close to what is offered to her in life with her dad.  An important event will take place this weekend and she has chosen to NOT attend.  Who really cares about her cousin's first birthday party anyway?

Like my ma said, I guess I need to find something else to occupy myself with in preparation for when they both are gone.  Something tells me the way they protect their dad, they way they think he got the sham when we divorced, the way he is perceived by them as the best.. well, if they only knew the whole truth.  Perhaps one day, they will hear my side of life.  For all they know is that their mom left their dad, moved far away, took them away from the only home they knew and I am the bad guy.  Huh.  Like I just said, perhaps one day they will know how I felt.  

And how I still feel.