helpless

It has been a long time since I've posted. I need to vent, share, document....something.  One week ago tomorrow,  I called 911. Matt was on his way home from MN.  He left there in the wee hours to start home. I went to bed Thursday night feeling just fine. I had my bag ready for the next day, Valentine's Day. I had 2 hearts ready to hang up in my school bus.. one in front, one in back. I had my bright pink hoodie picked out in honor of the day. It was supposed to be very cold so my fleece lined pants were laundered and ready with my cuddle duds knee high socks. I woke about 340 am to pee. I got out of bed and by the time I was at the foot of my bed, I felt as though my room was sideways. I caught myself on the table the humidifier was on and made it to the bathroom. I made it back to bed but didn't feel right. I was sweating so much my hair was damp. I rolled to my right side to try to get comfy but that feeling was horrible. I laid on my back and prayed I'd feel better and the feeling would pass. 

It did not. 

My alarm went off at 459 am. I took my phone and glasses and somehow made it to the bathroom where I promptly began to throw up. I knew I wouldn't be making it back to the other side of the bed so that's why I managed to get my glasses and phone. I got sick a few times and my world was spinning. Literally spinning. 

I wasn't sure where it would be coming from next so I sat on the toilet and both ends started to get rid of what I hoped was some bad virus and I would begin to feel some sort of relief. I only felt worse. I managed to call Matt in what I'm guessing was semi hysteria.  I asked him to call my work as there was no way I could drive a school bus. He suggested I call 911 if I was that bad as sadly,  he was still about 4 hours away. I started dry heaving and told him I'd call him back. 

I thought I was dying. I really thought I was dying. 

I called him back and begged for help. He again told me to call 911. I think I knew what I had to do as I managed to take my wedding ring off as I didn't want it with me if I called. I called my job and got our morning dispatch. I recall saying I was sick, dizzy and close to calling 911. I crawled to my closet to get some bottoms and with the grace of God,  made it down the flight of stairs that were hardwood. I hoped I wouldn't fall. I crawled and then stood to unlock the door. As sick and as disoriented as I was, I didn't want emergency people breaking my door. I crawled to first floor bathroom where I continued to dry heave. I think I called Matt again but I really am not sure. 

I remember sitting on the floor of that bathroom calling 911 and hearing a woman's voice. I have never called 911 in my life. I was home alone, so dizzy I couldn't walk, very nauseated and dry heaving as there was no tomorrow.  I was so scared. 

I remember telling her about my cats and how no one would ever see Maisy but to not let Mack out as he would try and if he did, he would surely die as the temps were to be very cold and both were inside cats.  She talked to me and I told her when I could see the flashing red and blue lights out the window. Everything was a blur and my eyes were shut because having them open made everything worse. 

I'm assuming firemen were first to arrive.  I heard them come in. They found me on the floor of the bathroom. I continued to dry heave. They attempted to get vitals on me but the dry heaving kept stopping them. I remember telling them I had no pants on. One of them said he would get me some sweatpants and asked where he might find them. Somehow they got me up after getting my sweats on and got me on a gurney that was in the middle of my dining room with all the furniture pushed aside. I saw my cat and again, begged to keep him inside. One of the men held up a coat asking if it was mine. It was. He asked where my house keys were. I told him and he took them. 

Next I knew I was leaving my house on a gurney. I tried to open my eyes. I think I saw one firetruck and one ambulance.  The cold, fresh air oddly felt good. I kept my eyes closed and it made the excruciating dizziness a tiny bit better. 

I have never been in an ambulance before. Paramedics had given me a basin with a towel in the bottom for my persistent dry heaving. Putting an iv in had to wait to be done in between bouts of dry heaving. Everyone, including me, had face masks on. I felt the heat in the back of that ambulance. Once the iv was in, I felt us drive away from my home. 

I have never been more scared in my life. I guess I gave Matt's number to 911 dispatch and she called him. I also had a fireman call him from my phone before leaving the house. 

Arriving at the hospital was vague. I kept dry heaving. I was given zophran in my iv but it didn't seem to be helping. Blood was drawn, I was swabbed for the flu. They couldn't seem to be able to get an accurate temp on me.. another dose of zophran. 

I tested negative for flu and my bloodwork came back normal with the exception of low potassium.  No fever. I had a head ct scan. Normal. I was finally given a patch behind my ear for the nausea. My husband arrived about 9 am. 

I had to pee and a nurse and Matt helped me. Once back in the bed in er, I was again dry heaving. 

I was being admitted with the diagnosis of vertigo. 

While I was moved upstairs to a room, I had a towel over my eyes so I could not see anything. It seemed to take forever. Even though I had a name for what was happening, I still felt awful. I still felt like I was dying. 

A MRI of my brain was ordered to rule out any possibility of a stroke. Results were normal. I spent Friday til Sunday in the hospital. I had an alarm on my bed and had to be chaperoned in the bathroom while wearing a gait belt. 

I'm home now. It's February 20 and this all happened last Friday,  February 14. Valentine's Day. I'm feeling better but I'm anxious.  I'm doing the at home therapy and am still a bit dizzy in the one position. No work for me this week. 

Matt had vertigo years ago but nowhere to the extent I did. My dr said in his 25+ years, I'm only his second patient to be hospitalized for vertigo. 

I've been asking for guidance to overcome this fear I have. Fear of not ever feeling 100% like myself. Fear of it returning. I've been asking for guidance to not feel sad that some of the people that I hoped to wonder how I am doing aren't asking. 

I'm really trying to let go and give this to God. I hope to feel like myself again very soon & to never, ever feel as out of control as I did last Friday. 

Fingers crossed.