all I have

Holy crap. It's been about two months since I last posted. I used to post all the time. I also used to live far away from my family and really never had the opportunity to see them, or visit them or even THINK about doing it.. unless it was a trip coming home. Only now, I am home.

Why is it that there is almost always controversy in families? Whether it's between parent and child, siblings, close relatives.. why can't people just live their lives and not hold grudges, or take sides when you personally have nothing to do with it? What happened to the days when you couldn't wait to see your families.. and now sometimes, sadly, some families don't even talk. Or dread seeing one another.

No one is perfect. By far, I am NOT perfect. I try to do my best with what I have. But often through out my life, I feel as though I have fallen short. I have a failed marriage behind me.. and yes, sadly, I believe I have been judged because of it. I have been asked, Why? Can't you work it out? (when it was happening) What about your kids? WHAT will you do? I have had failed friendships and sadly, some failed family relationships. As I said, I try to do my best with what I have. I have also learned over the years that you cannot please everyone. You cannot make everyone happy... I have learned that if you try to make everyone happy, you end up being the one unhappy. It would be all at your expense.

Offering the olive branch can be difficult. Yet I have found that it is also very rewarding. But do you ever feel like you are the one reaching out, time and again? Do you ever tire of being the one to attempt to keep the peace?

Sometimes when I see parents with little kids, young kids, I miss the what seemed like simpler days. When getting up in the morning and the first thing I would hear was my child in their crib, calling out my name. Don't get me wrong, I love the challenges each age brings. But some days, I just want to be the mommy that built up blocks just so my child could knock them over with a toy truck. I just want to be the mommy that would help my child brush their doll's hair. I just want to be the sibling, cousin and friend that could meet with others and sit and laugh and share, without judgement or criticism.. or feeling as though you are doing something wrong, or made a wrong choice. For who is to say it is a wrong choice? Someone who doesn't walk in your shoes, day after day? Who for the most part, doesn't know how you live day to day, financially, emotionally?

I am not sure if any of this even makes sense. But I felt as though a pile of word vomit was building up inside of me and I needed to let it out.

And that is all I have right now. I can only give to you what I am capable of giving. If it isn't enough, I am sorry.