I'd like them to know

I haven't been here in awhile but the feelings are the same. Why am I feeling jealous? Perhaps it's not jealousy but something like it. Over the past few years, I feel like my kids are slipping away.  I get that as they grow, mom is needed less and their independence blossoms.  Why then do I feel like I've lost my son and my daughter is starting down the same path? And you know who I feel.like I've lost them to?

Him.

The guy that I think they believe has never done anything wrong. Ever. He's more fun. He does their laundry. He doesn't hold them accountable for chores. He isn't the one on them about homework, studying.

One day, I'd like them to know why I left. One day, I'd like them to know that I was in counseling for quite some time, wanting to work on things. I'd like them to know that he went ONCE and never went back because he believed there was nothing wrong with him and it was all me. (I know this because that's what he told me.)  I'd like them to know that when I stood between him and the TV, begging him to listen, to talk with me...that he looked around me and told me to move because he couldn't see the TV. I'd like them to know how crappy it felt being out with my kids, headed to the library and we see him out in his car with another woman in it and being asked who she is. I'd like them to know how it felt to answer your phone to have a man ask you if you know what's going on between your spouse and the man's wife that's calling. I'd like them to know you were told by him that he should be rewarded with sex when he comes to bed at night.

There's so much I'd like them to know and I can vent here because I know they'll never read it. But now it's out there.

I'd like them to know that I miss them, too, when they're gone. I'd like them to know that I'm not perfect and I'm partly to blame for the divorce.  I'd like them to know so many things. But I guess until they do, he's always going to be defended and protected by them. I guess I'm the bad guy to them.

One day, I'd like them to know.