the following is a post from the diary of a mad, mad housewife...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Now this is the one for me!
In keeping with my husband's insistence I go out and make some damn money, I have stumbled upon a recent opening for which I'd be just perfect and would love to apply. Would y'all mind checking for typos again?

Dear President Bush:
I was terribly sorry to hear that your dear and loyal friend Alberto Gonzales has resigned as Attorney General. By happy coincidence, I have recently decided to re-enter the work force and believe I would be an excellent candidate for this position.Well, to be perfectly honest, I must say straight up that I am not an attorney. Nor a general. Still, I am frequently called upon to manage disputes, many of which are directly analogous to the challenges faced by your administration. For example, the perpetual debates of who is touching whom, aren't they really just a clear example of a simple boundary dispute? Other hot issues on which I have abundant experience:

* My brother keeps coming in my room (illegal immigration)
* Who got more candy (distribution of wealth)
* How low to turn the A/C in the summer (climate change)
* Dinner table conversation about starving children in India (economic aid/third world economic development policy)
* I don't want to brush my teeth (health care policy)

So you see, I am fully apprised of the issues and well-versed in the implementation of their corrective measures. Speaking of punishment, I know you relied on Gonzales as a key advisor on the treatment of prisoners in Guantanamo. Well, as the mother of an unruly six-year-old, I have plenty of experience in detention (Time Outs) and interrogation (What the hell were you thinking?!) that could come in handy as you revise your policies on prisoner treatment. I am also, as the mother of a pre-teen on the verge of entering the Face Book/My Space and dating years, very intrigued by Atty. Gonzales' attempts to increase surveillance under the Patriot Act, which I understand was one of his top law enforcement priorities. And while I haven't actually read the Patriot Act, it wasn't clear he had either. But I'm sure all those eavesdropping techniques you guys put in place at the Justice Department will come in handy at home, even if they're not suitable for the work environment. I confess I will probably not be as good at firing people - I have kept the same cleaning person for several years despite many broken items and a distinct lack of actual cleanliness after she is gone. But fortunately, there aren't too many people left to fire, as people appear to be bailing out of your floundering administration on their very own. Which, by the way, reminds me - if this particular job doesn't work out, feel free to contact me for another. Say, like, Karl Rove's...? I hear he has Mess Hall privileges, and I could always get on board with not having to pack another lunch.

Well, thank you in advance for your consideration, Mr. President.

Sincerely,The Mad, Mad Housewife