it hurts so bad

I've just gone and reread the posts on the page that comes up when I choose to "view blog"....  I have not been here in a while but perhaps I should come more often as it leaves my thoughts behind so someday, my jumbled up brain will be out there for the world to read about.

I finished watching This Is Us..  I don't know why but this show always makes me cry.   Always.  I am usually looking over at the photo of my son and daughter while sobbing.  It's closing in on two year since I have seen my son.  He will be turning 21 next April.  My daughter will graduate next spring and she, too, will be moving back to live with her dad.  Let me  say this..  I do not fault them for wanting to live with their dad.   Not one bit.  I just don't want to be forgotten along the way...which is exactly what my son has done.  He has forgotten me and it is as though he has no mom any more.

My heart breaks for the way I miss my son.  I find myself crying, sobbing really, just because I miss him.  And the hardest part?  He has given me no real reason why.  He tells me that I should know but I do not.  I have made open apologies which he has not accepted. I have asked to talk and listen.  He refuses.  He comes back to town and doesn't tell anyone.. and refuses to see anyone.. my daughter told me she did not see him but photos tell otherwise.  Sometimes my chest, my HEART, just plain old hurt.  I feel a physical pain and find myself with not only tears but physical pain.  My family tells me that they are sorry but it does no good for all I want is to talk to and see my son.  MY SON.  The child that made me a mom.  The person I curled up with on the couch when he was young to watch Blue's Clues.  The person that would sit in my lap wanting me to read just one more book.  The boy that could not wait to hug me.  That person that as I sit here typing brings tears to my eyes that are running down my cheeks, making my nose stuffy and my head hurt.

I often feel like there is no one I can talk to about how I truly really feel.  My heart hurts so bad for someone that has made a life choice to not have my in his life.