long, long time

There is so very much I want to say. No one comes here so I can vent, document... leave my thoughts & feelings so that perhaps one day, certain people will know the truth....at least my truth. There are two sides and no one has EVER asked my perspective,  my feelings. 

I really hope too much time doesn't go by that two very important, irreplaceable relationships, well... really suffer. I'm afraid one already has and the other is in the beginnings. Will they ever be close to the same? 

helpless

It has been a long time since I've posted. I need to vent, share, document....something.  One week ago tomorrow,  I called 911. Matt was on his way home from MN.  He left there in the wee hours to start home. I went to bed Thursday night feeling just fine. I had my bag ready for the next day, Valentine's Day. I had 2 hearts ready to hang up in my school bus.. one in front, one in back. I had my bright pink hoodie picked out in honor of the day. It was supposed to be very cold so my fleece lined pants were laundered and ready with my cuddle duds knee high socks. I woke about 340 am to pee. I got out of bed and by the time I was at the foot of my bed, I felt as though my room was sideways. I caught myself on the table the humidifier was on and made it to the bathroom. I made it back to bed but didn't feel right. I was sweating so much my hair was damp. I rolled to my right side to try to get comfy but that feeling was horrible. I laid on my back and prayed I'd feel better and the feeling would pass. 

It did not. 

My alarm went off at 459 am. I took my phone and glasses and somehow made it to the bathroom where I promptly began to throw up. I knew I wouldn't be making it back to the other side of the bed so that's why I managed to get my glasses and phone. I got sick a few times and my world was spinning. Literally spinning. 

I wasn't sure where it would be coming from next so I sat on the toilet and both ends started to get rid of what I hoped was some bad virus and I would begin to feel some sort of relief. I only felt worse. I managed to call Matt in what I'm guessing was semi hysteria.  I asked him to call my work as there was no way I could drive a school bus. He suggested I call 911 if I was that bad as sadly,  he was still about 4 hours away. I started dry heaving and told him I'd call him back. 

I thought I was dying. I really thought I was dying. 

I called him back and begged for help. He again told me to call 911. I think I knew what I had to do as I managed to take my wedding ring off as I didn't want it with me if I called. I called my job and got our morning dispatch. I recall saying I was sick, dizzy and close to calling 911. I crawled to my closet to get some bottoms and with the grace of God,  made it down the flight of stairs that were hardwood. I hoped I wouldn't fall. I crawled and then stood to unlock the door. As sick and as disoriented as I was, I didn't want emergency people breaking my door. I crawled to first floor bathroom where I continued to dry heave. I think I called Matt again but I really am not sure. 

I remember sitting on the floor of that bathroom calling 911 and hearing a woman's voice. I have never called 911 in my life. I was home alone, so dizzy I couldn't walk, very nauseated and dry heaving as there was no tomorrow.  I was so scared. 

I remember telling her about my cats and how no one would ever see Maisy but to not let Mack out as he would try and if he did, he would surely die as the temps were to be very cold and both were inside cats.  She talked to me and I told her when I could see the flashing red and blue lights out the window. Everything was a blur and my eyes were shut because having them open made everything worse. 

I'm assuming firemen were first to arrive.  I heard them come in. They found me on the floor of the bathroom. I continued to dry heave. They attempted to get vitals on me but the dry heaving kept stopping them. I remember telling them I had no pants on. One of them said he would get me some sweatpants and asked where he might find them. Somehow they got me up after getting my sweats on and got me on a gurney that was in the middle of my dining room with all the furniture pushed aside. I saw my cat and again, begged to keep him inside. One of the men held up a coat asking if it was mine. It was. He asked where my house keys were. I told him and he took them. 

Next I knew I was leaving my house on a gurney. I tried to open my eyes. I think I saw one firetruck and one ambulance.  The cold, fresh air oddly felt good. I kept my eyes closed and it made the excruciating dizziness a tiny bit better. 

I have never been in an ambulance before. Paramedics had given me a basin with a towel in the bottom for my persistent dry heaving. Putting an iv in had to wait to be done in between bouts of dry heaving. Everyone, including me, had face masks on. I felt the heat in the back of that ambulance. Once the iv was in, I felt us drive away from my home. 

I have never been more scared in my life. I guess I gave Matt's number to 911 dispatch and she called him. I also had a fireman call him from my phone before leaving the house. 

Arriving at the hospital was vague. I kept dry heaving. I was given zophran in my iv but it didn't seem to be helping. Blood was drawn, I was swabbed for the flu. They couldn't seem to be able to get an accurate temp on me.. another dose of zophran. 

I tested negative for flu and my bloodwork came back normal with the exception of low potassium.  No fever. I had a head ct scan. Normal. I was finally given a patch behind my ear for the nausea. My husband arrived about 9 am. 

I had to pee and a nurse and Matt helped me. Once back in the bed in er, I was again dry heaving. 

I was being admitted with the diagnosis of vertigo. 

While I was moved upstairs to a room, I had a towel over my eyes so I could not see anything. It seemed to take forever. Even though I had a name for what was happening, I still felt awful. I still felt like I was dying. 

A MRI of my brain was ordered to rule out any possibility of a stroke. Results were normal. I spent Friday til Sunday in the hospital. I had an alarm on my bed and had to be chaperoned in the bathroom while wearing a gait belt. 

I'm home now. It's February 20 and this all happened last Friday,  February 14. Valentine's Day. I'm feeling better but I'm anxious.  I'm doing the at home therapy and am still a bit dizzy in the one position. No work for me this week. 

Matt had vertigo years ago but nowhere to the extent I did. My dr said in his 25+ years, I'm only his second patient to be hospitalized for vertigo. 

I've been asking for guidance to overcome this fear I have. Fear of not ever feeling 100% like myself. Fear of it returning. I've been asking for guidance to not feel sad that some of the people that I hoped to wonder how I am doing aren't asking. 

I'm really trying to let go and give this to God. I hope to feel like myself again very soon & to never, ever feel as out of control as I did last Friday. 

Fingers crossed. 

Um. Where did I go?

School has begun and this year is so strange to me... it's the first time since my 21 year old first started preschool that I don't have anybody in school. Work is different. My route that I had for 6 years was bid by someone senior to me. My new route is good just different. I really don't see anyone in the morning that I've spent any time talking to....there is stuff going on with my bonus kids but I'm feeling left out.  My husband shares but I'm usually the last to know and since I'm stepmom, I don't have any input.... which is usual for step moms.  And step dads. I'm just feeling weird about things as I always included my husband.... he never hesitated to offer his opinion. I'm feeling as though I shouldn't offer my thoughts because as he said himself yesterday, 'what happened with your kids isn't going to be what happens with my kids'. (something pretty close to that) There are often times when times repeat themselves..   a situation that happened with my oldest, a boy, that is now happening with the youngest, my bonus son, and its addressed so different.

I am feeling that since both of my kids have graduated & moved out to live with their dad, that I'm less of a parent. My son hasn't talked to me in years. My daughter & I talk regularly but any day to day is gone. I'm not the first go to person for anyone. I often feel lonely.... step parent life is hard work. I don't discount all my husband has done over the years for my kids but I just feel different. 

Where are ya?

Life gets in the way. But then often that's good so the shit bogging you done gets overlooked.

People should be nice because we never know someone else's life story.

it hurts so bad

I've just gone and reread the posts on the page that comes up when I choose to "view blog"....  I have not been here in a while but perhaps I should come more often as it leaves my thoughts behind so someday, my jumbled up brain will be out there for the world to read about.

I finished watching This Is Us..  I don't know why but this show always makes me cry.   Always.  I am usually looking over at the photo of my son and daughter while sobbing.  It's closing in on two year since I have seen my son.  He will be turning 21 next April.  My daughter will graduate next spring and she, too, will be moving back to live with her dad.  Let me  say this..  I do not fault them for wanting to live with their dad.   Not one bit.  I just don't want to be forgotten along the way...which is exactly what my son has done.  He has forgotten me and it is as though he has no mom any more.

My heart breaks for the way I miss my son.  I find myself crying, sobbing really, just because I miss him.  And the hardest part?  He has given me no real reason why.  He tells me that I should know but I do not.  I have made open apologies which he has not accepted. I have asked to talk and listen.  He refuses.  He comes back to town and doesn't tell anyone.. and refuses to see anyone.. my daughter told me she did not see him but photos tell otherwise.  Sometimes my chest, my HEART, just plain old hurt.  I feel a physical pain and find myself with not only tears but physical pain.  My family tells me that they are sorry but it does no good for all I want is to talk to and see my son.  MY SON.  The child that made me a mom.  The person I curled up with on the couch when he was young to watch Blue's Clues.  The person that would sit in my lap wanting me to read just one more book.  The boy that could not wait to hug me.  That person that as I sit here typing brings tears to my eyes that are running down my cheeks, making my nose stuffy and my head hurt.

I often feel like there is no one I can talk to about how I truly really feel.  My heart hurts so bad for someone that has made a life choice to not have my in his life.

Confusingly, never enough

Do any of you ever feel like you're accomplishing something yet you get the distinct feeling that your spouse isn't satisfied with what you've done?

Yah. That's how I feel today.

Good night.

Farthest from

Lately I've been feeling like it doesn't matter. Lessons, teachable moments, .....they don't matter. "Seems like you're waiting to pick a fight, " he said. I guess I need to let go more? To me, though,  I feel as if I don't engage or speak up or attempt to offer an alternative, well, then am I following through on my commitment as a parent? I've said many times that I will stop asking questions about my step kids because then no one can get irritated or mad or NOTHING. But my heart tells me if I don't ask or don't engage then that means I don't care.  And not caring is the farthest from the truth.

Huh

Feeling like you're always second isn't such a great feeling.

confusion

Sometimes life just sucks.  You think you have a good handle on it and then BAM!  You feel overwhlemed, under appreciated and well, this time of year "sucks balls" really can get you down. 

I just need to vent about getting my shit in order.  You really try to be a person that communicates well.  I think I do but hey, what do I know?  I wear my heart on my sleeve and TO. A. FAULT.  Why do I expect too much?  Ok bye. 

💔

Sometimes,  your heart just breaks and you don't know what to do.

Question

Dear internet,
I was asked today why I was crabby. To me, I was quiet. Not crabby. Sometimes life sneaks up on you all at once. I have one child that has forgotten I exist. I have another child that for the most part is fine but sometimes I wonder if I'm failing her, too. I have two bonus kids as well. My ss has reached the age where he knows everything and since he's not "my" child and he has a mom that has threatened in the past,  there is a line I won't cross. My sd has come a long way over the years but she's clearly a daddy's girl and I am still, at least to me, in the background. My husband? He's great. I say that honestly but in reality, all spouses have ups and downs. I know it's my issue but I envy the relationship he has with his kids.  I often feel jealous of his doting on his kids and secretly wish he would me as well. That sounds all wrong but anyone can clearly see the love he has for his children and I would be grateful if his love for me would be as obvious.  I often feel two steps behind and often,  I am literally walking behind everyone else.

I know these are my issues to work through and I own them, however, sometimes life seems to just envelope you.

And you feel sad.

Sincerely,
Me

Do you ever

feel like breaking down and crying? Do you ever feel like curling up into a ball and just sobbing?

I do.

Sometimes

When you remarry, you also in a strange way marry the ex. At least I did. She's around. For a long time, she was difficult.  Mean, really. Now, just annoying.  Even though my husband left his ex for good reason, I still sometimes feel, well, sadly.... jealous.  Why is that?

Gone

My husband always wants me to downsize...the top of my desk, my closet, my drawers, stuff in my car, etc. Today I cleaned out my closet. I have 23 things I'm parting with. I hope that's good for now.

Is it silly?

So, as a teen/child/younger person, we need to others to like us. But don't we as adults also need others to like us to feel validated? Specifically,  is it ok for an adult to also quietly hope for those posts others make about us? Don't we feel good if people "like" or validate something we post? How many of you take it just a teeny tiny bit personal if your kids make a shout out on the other parents birthday but not yours? Or if your blended family only posts or less noticeably likes things only having to do with their full siblings not step siblings or step children or step parents? I tell myself this is my own issue and my own insecurities to work through but at the same time, isn't it normal to want those things, too, even as an adult?

With social media comes headache and I've seen heartache,  too. I guess I'm just curious if it bothers any of you,  too.

Left out

So, do any of you ever feel left out even if you're in a home full of people?