encourage silly

first and end

2012-01-25T11:03:00.002-06:00

I am certain I have shared that I drive a school bus. I recently changed routes but I wanted to write about something from my previous route. I drove an elementary school in the morning, a different elementary in the afternoon as well as a middle school. The neighborhood that I visited each morning was a coffee clutch type neighborhood. Parents stood outside waiting for the bus with their children. And even as I pulled away or drove past other stops for other buses, parents stood outside and chatted even after their child was picked up for the day. A parent of one of the kids on my route works near where I live and I bumped into her one day. She shared that at times it was difficult to leave the corner chat sessions. Here is what I want to share. Sometimes, seeing those parents standing outside with their kids, waiting for the bus, reminded me of when my kids were younger. When I lived in my previous state, we lived close enough to the school so they were not bussed, yet far enough that I drove them each day. I thought back to when I could stay in my pj's and drive them to school, only to come home and do what I wanted. Clean, laundry, run errands or even go back to bed if I wanted. I remember the innocence of my kids then. Now, they aren't out of school or even being close to being finished but it is different. I am working.. driving that school bus.. so I am not home in the mornings any more.. I miss them when they first wake up in the morning. I cannot give them a kiss before they begin their day and tell them that I love them. I don't see them when they get home and can ask how their day was. I miss the after school snacks.

I cherish the time I had as a full time stay at home mom....my time as a domestic engineer. Those days of when my kids were young are days that can never be returned should you miss them. I like my life right now. I am not teaching kids in the classroom but yet I am the first person they see each morning and the last the person they see at the end of the day. I greet my students each morning as they board my bus with a good morning or hello. Each afternoon, I tell them to have a good day, see you tomorrow.

I made a difference in the lives of my own two kids. I can only hope I can make a difference in the life of even one student... Then my job is complete.

river runs through it.. or not.

2012-01-04T11:12:00.004-06:00

The last post was post number 888. I began this blog over five years ago. I used to blog alot, often and about lots of different things. I don't really any more. One reason is facebook. You get more interaction on that social media place.. but shouldn't blogging be for you? A place for you to vent, to share, to bitch, to whatever? Should we worry who may come and read our blogs? Should we even care?

My head hurts, not literally, but is aching with stuff. Worry, heartache, mixed in with happiness... Remember that molasses river I mentioned in a previous post? Still running slow as ever. I have quit asking because if I don't ask, then I can't be disappointed with the answer, right? Yup, that's how I see it.

I am also frustrated, especially today. Do you ever scratch your head and ask yourself, Why? Or better yet, just a big, heavy, HUH.

Life isn't fair. Didn't your parents tell you that many times when you were growing up? And didn't you always think to yourself, boy, my folks say that all the time. And now that we are full fledged grown ups, we know it to be oh so true. I would say for the most part, I am an optimistic, happy person. I have difficulty, however, with things that don't sit right with me. Life, in the big scheme of things, is NOT fair. But as parents, shouldn't we try to make it an "equality" in our home? Sure, there will be exceptions.... for age, gender, maturity level, proven track records... My struggle is that I still must be careful.... those damn eggshells are still underneath my feet. It's getting really fricking old to have to worry about cracking them.... sometimes in life, shit happens. Yes, I said it. Shit happens. One thing my Dad always taught us growing up is something that I say often to my own kids, to other family/friends. Are you ready?

Feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are.

Again? FEELINGS AREN'T RIGHT OR WRONG. THEY JUST ARE.

You cannot control how you feel.... whether it's sad, happy, disappointed, frustrated, pissed off, irritated, annoyed, nervous, worried, anxious... it's what or how you react or respond to those feelings that you CAN control. YOU control it. Maybe you don't agree with something but it's how you choose to share that with someone can completely make or break a mood. For example, most of us decorate for the holidays. But what if you live with someone who for the most part could care less whether there is anything more than a simple tree up? You actually enjoy looking through the holiday stuff and unpacking and then repacking, knowing that next year, it will be like a new treasure to unwrap and think back to the previous year.. you tell yourself, Oh, remember last year... The other person is entitled to not like to do that or even participate in the unpacking or repacking... but how they react (say complaining most of the day while you are trying to enjoy and savor the holiday moment) can have a significant impact on your mood. The other's feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. But the choice of verbalizing them to someone who enjoys something, can be a damper.

Anyway, I have always told my kids that hate is too strong of a word and should be only used when absolutely necessary. I am beginning to hate a situation. (Who am I kidding?! I have disliked it for some time.) It's the molasses river.

And it's sticky stuff.

the dog

2011-12-06T10:57:00.003-06:00

hmm... that time of year again. I can usually get through the holidays and then after the first of the year, the down in the dumps set in. the weather so far is not "winterish"... I saw flurries for the first time yesterday. we have had some cold days but no snow. the holiday stuff is up but in some way, it feels strange.. no snow yet!

other things are on my mind, too. let's just say the molasses river has never seems slower. come on, already!

oh, I had a dog climb onto my bus the other morning, too. A DOG.

november 20, 2005

2011-11-21T11:19:00.003-06:00

have I really been at this for six years? it was my blogoversary yesterday. but if you follow me at all, I was put through the ringer last week. I am actually sitting at the computer typing this. and all I can think about is taking a nap.

I had surgery last wednesday.. and in the big scheme of things, it went well. recovery has been more than I expected. but my DR has reassured me being tired is normal. I need to listen to my body and rest and sleep when it is telling me. right now, it is telling me to go and sleep for a bit.

and that is exactly what I am going to do.

t minus...

2011-11-14T20:21:00.002-06:00

tomorrow is the prep day. I will be preparing my body for my surgery. I am nervous.. I have never gone through this preparation before. I have heard many different ends of how your body can react. I am really not looking forward to it.

and then there is Wednesday.

I am very nervous and anxious. there are so many unknowns... I am going in for pretty much something I don't know. and for added worry, there are other things in my life which are on my mind. and it all makes me sad.

if I could truly explain how it all makes me feel,.. well, then you might understand. but I often feel as though it goes without saying that what I am feeling isn't important, valued, "right"... damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't do, say anything right. I am truly exhausted and tired of feeling like the one at fault.. the one who is mistaken.

it is so very, very exhausting.

unknown

2011-11-05T10:39:00.002-05:00

does anyone ever fear the unknown? big, real issues unknown, and also the little things we just don't know? I am having surgery in less than two weeks and the big picture is pretty much unknown. Yes, I fear death. who really knows what happens when we die? but I suppose without it looming over my head, I don't think about it as often. this surgery, however, is definitely looming over my head. and it scares me to not know.. to not know what they are going to tell me afterward. if I was having say, knee surgery, then I would know before what was wrong with my knee and the intended outcome. this, however, is just.. there is something there that shouldn't be.. and we need to take care of it.

bottom line, I am very anxious. and hope I can sleep until this is over. and once I wake up in recovery, I am hoping my worry was for nothing too big.

it's friday!

2011-10-21T10:25:00.002-05:00

Has it really been that long since I have posted? Yes! Every morning when I am driving my bus alone, and it is quiet, I tell myself to come home and blog. I have more than one blog so just pick one. I used to blog often, sometimes multiple times a day, but now? Why is it that I don't write as often? Are my worries gone? No. Is my life so boring I have nothing to write about? I don't think so. Time? I do know this.. I did blog as a way to vent... I have been told by some they could read between the lines and see how unhappy I was. But now? Am I writing less because I am happy? Is my life mundane I just figure you won't be interested?

I don't know.

But I do know that today was a feel good morning. I had a few different conversations with both kids and parents.. it was one of those feelings when no matter what it is you're doing for your profession, you feel as though you are making a difference.

It was a good morning!

puffy eyes

2011-09-26T12:26:00.003-05:00

I have done more crying the past week or so than I have in quite some time. I cried when he left.. after I dropped him off at the airport. I cried myself to sleep one night for missing him. I cried the day he was coming home for I was a nervous wreck worrying about him coming home safe. I cried yesterday because of many emotions. I was frustrated, mad, unhappy, ...

I am a crier. Always have been, always will be I suppose. And then to have my daughter say to me, are you okay, mommy? And for my son to ask me who died... I reply no one. And then he asks, why are you crying?

I felt like things were not being fair... someone made a mental decision that had an effect on the rest of our day. I feel as though it puts me in the middle...I am on the kids to make sure they don't make anyone mad. But then I am frustrated because I am on them more than usual just to not make anyone mad.. but in the end, I am the one feeling stuck in the middle.. and I absolutely do not like the way it makes me feel. In fact, I hate the way it makes me feel. And I always tell my kids to not use the word hate because it is such a strong word. But I hate the way I feel when I am feeling stuck in the middle of the one I love and my kids.

It just plain sucks.

(smile)

2011-09-23T11:29:00.001-05:00

ah, today. I am feeling a bit refreshed today. is it the sun shining? maybe. is it the season? maybe. (I love fall!) is it because he is home? yup. can you really miss someone when they're gone that it hurts? and then when they are back, you just can't get enough of them?

I just love him!

nuts.

2011-09-19T11:22:00.002-05:00

Each time I open up this thing called blogger and log in, open this page with an empty dialog box, it seems that I have so much to write about yet almost every time, I sit and wonder what to write. There are many things going on in my life that I could write about but sometimes I think too many of you know about this site and then that would be letting you all in on the everydays and mundanes of my life. Yet on the flip side, there may be, just may be, some of you readers that could give a crap about who I am and you just want to read.

There is an ex that is driving me nuts.

The end.

time

2011-09-14T10:10:00.001-05:00

august 20, huh? that was the last time I sat and wrote here.

hmm... I don't have anything I want to share right now. at least not here. sorry.

new direction

2011-08-20T07:33:00.002-05:00

in a nutshell, something great happened the other day. it is still in the works so I am not going to jinx it... but I will return when my gut and my heart give the all go with it. keep all fingers crossed for a smooth transition.

who really cares?

2011-08-16T14:08:00.002-05:00

As I sit and look at this blank page, so many things. I haven't written in some time. There used to be so much "stuff" happening in my life that it was easy to just have a total and complete word vomit. But now? How personal do I get when I know this is public site and potential ex-be's may read. Part of me is worried how they take it, what they read... But an even bigger part of me says, WHO REALLY CARES? If they want to be a voyeur in my life, to be snooping into what I am doing and with whom, they so be it. I am not doing anything I am ashamed of. humph.

There are quite a few new beginnings happening. Hmm.. the new school year. Hard to believe it is my daughter's last year in elementary school and my son's last year in middle school. Where has the time gone? I will still be driving a bus just for a different company. We don't have our routes yet but I am hoping to drive for the same school.. and even part or all of my route. I am also looking into other part time work to equal it all out. Keep your fingers crossed.

My chalupa is embarking on a new adventure, too. A new job, new adventure. It is still fresh but I think he will embrace the changes and all that comes with it. Keep your toes crossed, too.

So happy for my friend who is beginning another chapter. She is starting up her own business and has been handed the opportunity to begin to build up her clients. I am so excited for her! Keep anything else crossed for my friend.

So, what is happening with you?

crazy. stupid. love.

2011-07-30T21:15:00.003-05:00

have you heard of the movie? well, I saw it today. it began rather slow but picked up and besides, I think Steve Carell is very funny. (did I spell his name right?) it was one of those makes you think movies...

this is what I knew of it before I saw it. a married couple, one that had been married for a long time, is getting divorced. the husband, Steve Carell, is out trying to find his way in the world of dating. yup, that is about it. turns out, it is more complicated than that but I don't want to give too much away. let's just say it made me think about when I met the man that I thought I would be with forever.. it also made me think about the man I am with now. our kids. how do our kids feel about everything that has happened in our lives? will they one day understand why we made the decisions we made? will they agree with our decisions or think we made mistakes? will they look at us with more or less understanding?

the movie made me think about how someone can change you. no, not how you can change someone but rather how being with someone gives you a different perspective or outlook on life, on who you are. can someone "change" you?... can they bring out the person you were destined to be anyway? can someone compliment your being so the intrinsic YOU emerges and blesses the world with the real you? can you look at someone and just love them from the depths of who you are?

yes, it will be called by some ~~probably most~~ a chick flick. but I will disagree. go see it. I think most won't regret it. ...

you'll smile when you take a listen

2011-07-09T17:53:00.001-05:00

... ....

2011-07-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

I still have nothing. a one liner won't do it for me. humph.

say yes to life.. again

2011-06-28T20:58:00.002-05:00

I posted this once before I think it should be repeated.. so here ya go.

It is not necessary, or desirable, to try to become someone you think is better than the way you are. Just be willing to find out who and how you really are. You might be surprised to find that when you let yourself be who you really are, not who you think you are, or who you're afraid you are, you are quite an acceptable person. And with a little practice, you'll even realize that you are, in fact, a love-able person.The ways you think you are, not the ways you really are, are the bars on your own personal prison.

lost mojo

2011-06-25T08:11:00.002-05:00

it has been almost one month since I last wrote. school has ended, my kids have gone to their dad's. the house is quiet. sometimes too quiet.

seems so much has happened and yet I don't feel as though I can share in such a public forum. I ask that you keep my and my family in your thoughts and pray for forward movement for many different things.

I feel as though I have lost my mojo with writing. I feel as though sometimes the words just seemed to flow.. and lately, I feel like I am fishing for something to write, something funny. something at all. and if I have to sit and really think about something to write about, then I don't think I should be writing at all.

chalupa

2011-05-27T20:29:00.002-05:00

Please disregard the "play this other video" on the top of the screen....
it's really not all that interesting. :)

moving wheel

2011-05-09T16:46:00.004-05:00

sigh. seems I am brimming with thoughts and emotions but just cannot put into words the way I am feeling. so it is at times like these that I curl inside and try to figure it out myself. I am full of worry, frustration, sadness, a bit of doubt. the wheel is moving but at times it seems to get stuck and then even feel as though it is moving backwards. when it finally reaches its destination, there isn't any big plan for that time... but the destination is what is needed, wanted. and all the while, time keeps moving forward, without some things.

want to know how much is on my mind? today after school, I did not turn and instead continued and the kid asked, why now? you see, I was combining my morning and afternoon routes into one. same stops, just in different order. but then I changed the order even more today. I am sure the kids thought I was crazy.

so keep your fingers crossed for better days. for the wheel to keep moving, perhaps even pick up speed. and eventually, reach the destination.

blank

2011-05-06T20:48:00.003-05:00

there seems to be so much to say yet I cannot find the words. how do you comfort someone so they feel better?... mentally, emotionally, physically.

I am feeling at a loss. and I don't like how it feels.

life lesson

2011-04-26T11:55:00.003-05:00

I was chatting with my parents on the phone the other day.. I was talking to my Mom and she had me on speaker phone so my Dad was there, too.... and I was telling them about something that had happened that afternoon. (If you are not current on my blog, then I will remind you that I am now driving a school bus.) As I was driving out of my slot, I noticed a bus a few to my left that had left its lights and hazards on. The bus was obviously empty and I knew that if not shut off, the battery would be dead the next time a driver needed the bus if it wasn't already dead. I thought to myself,.. I can use the radio to base and let someone know to come out to shut both off. Or I could just drive away.. But I did what I knew in my gut was the right thing to do. I used the radio and told base about it. One of the stand by drivers on the lot replied that he would take care of it.

And I drove away feeling good.

When I told my parents about this, I said it was like the time I was at the store with my kids and found a case of water on the bottom of someone else's cart in the cart return. I could have easily taken the case of water and put it in my car. But instead, I carried it back in and went to customer service. You would have thought I walked in naked with a wig on the way they looked at me. But with my kids in tow, lugging a case of water back in that wasn't mine, was the right thing to do.

The point of this post, you ask? The best thing about both of those experiences...better than knowing I was teaching my kids a very valuable life lesson, is what I vaguely heard my Dad say and then have my Mom relay to me. "We raised our daughter well. She did the right thing." The life lesson my kids received will comeback tenfold if they do what is right throughout their own lives. For when I am older and my children are adults, possibly raising their own children, the cycle of doing what is right will repeat.

Those words from my parents mouths to my ears was music. Thanks, Mom and Dad. ♥

ducks and shoulders

2011-04-22T11:45:00.002-05:00

another week over. well, technically, it is Friday so it isn't over yet. but my work week is over. work is going well. yes, I am driving but I like the interactions with the kids even though they are limited to when the get on and off the bus.

life. life is still moving along. my last duck is wiggling his way into line and I hope he stays there.

I am worried about someone. seems this person is taking a load on their shoulders and it worries me. and there isn't much I can do either which sorta sucks.

check one

2011-04-15T10:26:00.004-05:00

dear internet, I have not written to you in quite some time. seems so much has happened... let's see... I started a new job. yes, I am driving a school bus. now, don't get me wrong, it is alright. I get to see kids every day..have shared a laugh or two with them and because of them in the week or so I have been driving. but at the end of the day, driving a school bus is not what I had in mind when it came to my profession. I want to be in the classrooms with the kids..not just driving them to and from school every day. at this time, however, the job is more important than what it is. humph. I had a reality check yesterday as well. someone special in my life suffers from cancer. he is an important little boy to me that I love very much. if you were the average person walking down the street, you would never know this ugly disease is in his body. but I spent time with him and his Dad yesterday while he was enduring a treatment. (some sort of procedure to give him a boost with his immune system..) there was a time when he was visible agitated...moaning, crying and not being able to communicate with his Dad or the patient nurse what was bothering him. it was at this time that the cancer slapped me in the face. I have seen cancer and what it does to people...I held my Grandmother's hand as she slipped away from this world to another after she battled cancer for years... but my special boy?.. he is a child. and it broke my heart to sit there, watching, and not being able to do anything. so many things went through my head... I felt helpless for there wasn't a thing I could do. I wanted to comfort him but he is not my son and I know he only wanted his Daddy. I felt pity for his parents and sister...even for his Mom, who at most times I loathe...for I am a Mom...and I cannot imagine witnessing my child suffer the way I saw my little man suffering. I felt like I had crawled into my chalupa's heart and finally understood what it might be like to know your child has cancer. but then I laughed at myself for I do not know what it is like to hear those words, to know that my own flesh and blood has one of the ugliest diseases. if any good came out of this experience, I felt as though my heart overflowed with love and the belief that he will make it. he is a fighter and he is taking names. when I had to leave for work, I rubbed his head and told him I would see him later at home...when really all I wanted to do was to hold him close and tell him I love him. and his Daddy? yesterday afternoon made me care about and love him more. life is short and we never know what will happen. this was proven to me by leaps and bounds yesterday. hug your children tight and tell those you love exactly that. I may be guilty of wearing my emotions on my sleeve, but I don't think anyone doubts how I feel about them. if I were to die tomorrow, I know those of you that I hold close know it. and if you do doubt it? give me a call or drop me a note...I won't hesitate to let you know. ♥ always, ♪♫♪ that girl ♪♫♪

the fish

2011-04-14T18:03:00.001-05:00

Fish appear to be individuals, but have you ever seen a school of them swimming together? They act as one. Each is part of a greater whole. And you Pisces Fish are more aware of your interdependency than any other sign. It's as if Pisces live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is like the one ocean that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces."

the symphony

2011-04-11T13:37:00.001-05:00

When we begin to take responsibility, we are like the conductor of a large symphony orchestra. The various instruments are the parts of us, all our ways of being, our needs, wants, moods, etc. The symphony is our life. Sometimes we see parts of ourselves that we decide are bad, wrong and undesirable and that should be gotten rid of. This is like having the string section hear the cymbals and say, "Oh, no, that sounds awful! We've got to get rid of all that noise! All we need are stringed instruments because they sound so beautiful." (Beauty clearly being in the ear of the beholder.) But an orchestra made up of only stringed instruments would be lacking, incomplete. It could make beautiful sounds, but it couldn't make all music. Only one section of instruments could hate another. The conductor can hear the beauty in all and knows that each is essential to the whole. When we need a drum roll in life, a violin simply won't do! So even though we were taught to believe we need to hold onto this and push that away, it is simply not true. When we hear all the instruments playing together in harmony, we will be very grateful that we could not get rid of even the smallest, apparently most insignificant, piece.

owned today

2011-04-01T08:24:00.003-05:00

so, it is the dreaded April Fools. and I was had today. you know the feeling you have in the morning, while still under the covers and it is so warm? yah, well, he left for work. and within a few minutes, my phone rang. I did not charge it over night so all I heard was this: "oh, my God. I dropped my keys *beep beep* in the *beep* sewer. can you come *beep beep* and open the door for me?" my phone was beeping, telling me the battery was about to die so it was intermittent. I crawled out of bed and while walking downstairs to the door, I am wondering to myself, where the heck is there a sewer? I got downstairs, he walks in with his head hung low, and I feel terrible. he can take MY keys...but then what? well, he puts his arms around me and hugs me tight... WHILE HE IS BELLY LAUGHING AND SAYING TO ME.....APRIL FOOLS!! I was owned today. I had forgotten it was April Fools Day. *sigh*

circle of acceptance

2011-03-28T16:43:00.003-05:00

Don't waste your time trying to change anything. You don't even know who wants to change or what you would change or what the change would bring. You'd just be trading one opinion for another. Just draw a circle of acceptance around everything in your awareness. Just say YES. You don't have to do anything about anything. Just let everything be as it is, (it is anyway), at least until you see how you're doing it. If you think you can feel better by doing something else, or being something else, or being somewhere else, then feel better. Don't be confused that you really need to do something else, or be something else, or be somewhere else. Just be content to feel better. This can save a great deal of time, energy and money.

hmm

2011-03-22T12:14:00.002-05:00

confused: being perplexed or disconcerted...disorientated with regard to one's sense of time, place or identity...
disconnected: not connected..incoherent (lacking orderly continuity)

my houses

2011-03-20T11:10:00.002-05:00

I know this song has been out for some time but I just listened to it the other day and it made me cry. Why?, you ask. Listen to the lyrics. Think back to the house you grew up in...think back to the house you spent a lot of your time in. Maybe a grandparents house?..

I thought of my house at 137. I thought of my house at 521. I thought of my house at 309. All of these houses are a part of me. From the time I was a little girl and played ball in a yard I used to think was so very big. Now I drive by and it seems so very very small to me. Then there is the home that I lived in from my middle school years until I married and moved out. There is a house in between 521 and 309 but that place never really felt like home to me. And the last place?... The place that I really first felt like it was my home after my childhood home. The place where my kids lived...it is their first memory of a home. All of these houses made me a part of who I am today. And it brought a tear to my eye.

I know the saying "home is where you hang your heart".... "a house is just a house until you make it a home"... so take a listen. The words might grab your heart, too.

butterflies

2011-03-18T10:54:00.002-05:00

nervous: marked by strength in thought, feeling or style...of or relating to the nerves....easily excited or irritated...timid or apprehensive....tending to produce nervousness or agitation...appearing or acting unsteady, erratic or irregular

I AM NERVOUS!

I am taking my third party test today. This is it. My trainer said I did well and I shouldn't have any problems...but we all know how some people get when actually put to the test. Will I forget something...something really important?

I just want it to be over.

And to have passed.

what a surprise...

2011-03-14T20:40:00.003-05:00

This evening I heard my phone go off indicating I had a text message. I was driving so when I could, I checked to see who it was from. I saw the name of the sender and held my breath...I had not received a text from this person in a very long time! I waited until I got home to read it and then I did, it brought tears to my eyes. My birthday was yesterday and it was a belated birthday wish from the principal at the school I pretty much lived at before I moved here. He was my mentor not only in education but also for life...I looked up to him as a substitute teacher, a PTO leader, a volunteer and parent. I haven't talked to him in such a long time but this made my day. It really meant a lot!

So a shout out to him, buy yah and hooray!!.... for you made me smile today.

Thanks so very much.

say yes to life

2011-03-11T16:15:00.003-06:00

It is not necessary, or desirable, to try to become someone you think is better than the way you are.

Just be willing to find out who and how you really are.

You might be surprised to find that when you let yourself be who you really are, not who you think you are, or who you're afraid you are, you are quite an acceptable person.

And with a little practice, you'll even realize that you are, in fact, a love-able person.

The ways you think you are, not the ways you really are, are the bars on your own personal prison.

no more, no less

2011-03-02T12:51:00.000-06:00

pita

hiccup

2011-02-26T17:48:00.000-06:00

is it normal to think you feel something and maybe you really don't?

can you feel the hiccups without them being there?

can you worry about something and not realize you are worrying as much as you are?

worry and concern manifest themselves into physical symptoms...and I am tired of them.

I want the hiccups to go away for now, please.

thank you.

valentine daisies

2011-02-23T11:32:00.000-06:00

eh em

2011-02-16T15:24:00.003-06:00

Today may have been the first day of the rest of my life. A new beginning, a fresh start. Not exactly what I had in mind, but new and definitely a step forward.

yah, me!!

853

2011-02-15T10:12:00.002-06:00

alright, not everything is best left unsaid. where did our banter go?

what did I do? didn't?....

daisy

2011-02-14T12:47:00.002-06:00

some things are best left unsaid....the smell of these beauties say a lot. I could barely see the guy holding them when I opened up my door. thanks, chalupa, for sending me my favorite flowers.

♥ ♫ ♥ ♫ ♥ ♫ ♥ happy valentine's day, ass.

powerful combination

2011-02-14T10:14:00.000-06:00

For life to move forward, some things must change. For life to have meaning, some things must endure. It is good to embrace change, because growth, progress and value creation are impossible without it. At the same time, it is wise to be wary and careful with change, for a solid, steady foundation contributes greatly to life. In fact, new and valuable changes are made possible by the very fact that some things do not change. When the ground beneath your feet holds steady, you can reliably build many new and useful things upon it. Make the most of the opportunities to change, to grow, to improve, and to move forward into new territory. At the same time, protect and preserve the fundamental, enabling values upon which your life is built. A successful, fulfilled life is at the same time changing and steady. Understanding what must change and what must not is a key life skill, one that is well worth the time and trouble to develop. Be ever willing to change some things in life while being reliably able to hold firm in other things. It is a powerful combination that will take you far.-- Ralph Marston

pisces

2011-02-13T16:36:00.001-06:00

February 13, 2011

There's a crazy blob of emotions churning around deep inside your heart, but it's getting easier and easier to get a handle on them. Finally, you're able to get a clear idea of how you feel and where you want to go from here. Make a date with the object of your affection and share your feelings -- find something physical that symbolizes your feelings (a flower, a card, a poem) and use it to help you explain yourself. The urge to share will outweigh any fear of rejection.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T14:57:00.003-06:00

Every February 14, across the United States and in other places around the world, candy, flowers and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint, and where did these traditions come from? Read on for the history of this centuries-old holiday, from ancient Roman rituals to the customs of Victorian England.

The history of Valentine's Day — and its patron saint — is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition. So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient rite? Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred.

One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.)

Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. In addition to the United States, Valentine's Day is celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia. (source)

So, what does this holiday mean to you? Do you exchange cards, candy or flowers with the one you love? Does it matter if you don't? .....

that time

2011-02-07T09:50:00.002-06:00

dear internet,
wow, it seems like some time since I have addressed you. I am thinking it has been since before the holidays...and that seems like forever ago.

how does one feel completely complete? does it always have to come from within? or can others help in the process?

I am at that time of year that my mind and body are in a time warp...a place that seems never ending. today is sunny and that is helping. the window shades are up and letting it all in. but sometimes even that doesn't seem like enough.

today .. I wonder...
is someone close to me is still mad at me..
did it happen last week and how did it go..
what was she thinking..
when will it end..
do I remember correctly..did it really happen..
when will it happen again..

so there...it's all there.

I did alot of thinking the other day...and it got no further than me. but maybe that is the very best thing.

hmm...

2011-02-04T13:45:00.000-06:00

It's a new month..so it should feel new, right?

I could write so much about my life, many things that are vague to many but very specific to others. So I must choose my words wisely. Much has happened....and again, I often scratch my head and wonder why? What were they thinking?

I keep telling myself that in the end, those who it is important to will know who did right...who did what they should have.

and they will also know those who did not.

you always knew

2011-01-28T11:28:00.000-06:00

over 8,000

2011-01-25T20:29:00.002-06:00

In just over two and a half years, I have had over 8,000 visitors. Amazing to me...

I have, at times, asked where someone comes from....or rather, who you are. I have the widget that tells where you come from. Sometimes I have no idea who you are....I have posted in the past, hey, you from ____________...who are you?? I never got responses or comments but have found out since then that some of you are ones I am so very glad to know you were here.

So, thanks for visiting. Leave me a comment and tell me how you found my blog.

That's all.

table talk

2011-01-18T08:39:00.002-06:00

I shared a meal with my two children last night as I do most nights. We were sitting around the table chatting when the subject of the upcoming weekend came up. They will be going to their dad's house...which is where I left three cats that I love very much. My first baby, Nightro, will be 17 this summer. Next is Bosco who will turn 16. And last but certainly not least is Scooby, who will be 6, I think. We adopted him from a lady that worked at the library and she wasn't clear on his exact age so we are guessing within a year or so. I loved, and still love, these cats very much. When I moved after the divorce, I would have taken one or all of them but since I was so unsure of living arrangements, etc I did not take any of them. The two older ones..well, I wasn't sure how a move and a new home would be for them. The last thing I wanted to do was to stress them out. So I left them.

And I miss them every day.

Back to the table talk...I asked the kids to take some photos of the cats. My son and I had a conversation last week about them...we were actually on our way to take my new baby Maisy for a rabies booster when he told me that he did not think Nightro would live much longer. It was a reality check sort of talk...well, this conversation was brought up last night again. I told the kids that they need to be prepared that it could happen any time. It could be next week or next year. My daughter began to cry....death can be a very scary and sad thing. I asked her to kiss them for me and whisper in their ears how much I love them and miss them. She promised she would.

The conversation evolved into the realization that people and animals don't live forever. I reminded them that it is never easy to lose someone you love but we must accept that life is not forever. All four of their grandparents are living as well as one great grandma. How do you prepare your children for one of life's hardest and most difficult lessons?

Last week in church I couldn't get my Grandma out of my head. Let me set it up as it has to do with the conversation I had with my kids....we lost my Grandma to lung cancer a few years ago. She had been diagnosed four years prior and fought the toughest fight of her life against this horrible disease. She was an amazing woman whom I miss so very much. Many times I feel her presence so strong at church. My Grandma went every week and had a strong faith. Many of the songs at Mass make me think of her. And smile. :) I was at Mass with five important people. I looked to my left and saw a man who has helped me get through so much. And in a strange and very surprising twist of fate, has become someone very important to me. To my right were four kids who continue to amaze me all the time. I looked at the two boys, with the younger one looking up at the older one...it melts my heart to see how much they care about each other. Past the boys were the girls...ah, the girls. They fight but I know deep down they love each other, too. And even though I have had my own inner struggles understanding the why's and what were you thinking's....I love them all. All four of them.

Then the music. I think of my Grandma. I think of how she will never see this, to know how I somehow managed to move from unhappiness to such contentment. I look at these five other people and feel such a sense of peace. Yet I cannot help to know that the cancer that invaded my Grandma also has invaded the body of one of our precious boys. He is a fighter and is doing great but I cannot help but to face the fact that he has cancer.

Cancer..that ugly disease. And all of the emotions that were in me at that moment were simply too much. I felt love, peace, happiness and hatred all at once. The love, peace and happiness are obvious..the hatred: for a disease I hate. But then I remind myself that this little boy is kicking butt and taking names. I have never witnessed a braver little boy than I have in this one. And I couldn't be more proud to be part of his life. ♥

I shared all of this with my kids last night at the dinner table...our table talk. I was real and raw with my emotions. And they were, too. Both of my children cried...we hugged and cried some more.

Is this how I prepare them for life's hardest lessons? I can only hope so.

wish

2011-01-17T20:31:00.002-06:00

do you ever wish for something

and wonder if it will ever come true?

one thousand nineteen

2011-01-12T15:20:00.002-06:00

I was given this flower once by someone special to me. I know flowers don't last forever but the memory of their smell or color can last a lifetime. The time or day when you you are given such things can be etched on our hearts. I tried to capture the essence of this beautiful flower...each time I look at it, I remember a very special time.

Thanks, chalupa.

lost in translation, if there is any

2011-01-11T07:45:00.004-06:00

do you ever feel like something is going on, something is on the mind of someone who is important to you....yet you also feel like a thick wall has been put up so you can't get in?

that is how I am feeling.

maybe I should stop asking. you can only ask so many times and then the only outcome is one of frustration for you. I suppose if or when they want to share, they will.

maybe I am taking for the granted the notion that we should be sharing these sorts of things. maybe if I stop asking, then they might wonder why I don't know about it..well, it is because I did not ask and you did not share.

I am only as good a mind reader as my own personal book of assumptions.

stuff

2011-01-05T19:12:00.002-06:00

a new year..should I have a new look for my blog?

the last few weeks have been crazy. so much has happened! one of the kids was in the hospital for a few days....he is much better now and getting better every day.

I became aware of things in my "life" I did not know...I will just say that I was surprised.

and I hope to have better luck with steady employment. don't get me wrong, I love to sub. but the inconsistency is nerve racking. I thought I should have played the mega millions last night but yah, I have played the lottery before and nothing ever came of it. not even a dollar.

some of my friends had a misunderstanding but it is worked out now. I don't know exactly what it was about and am glad I do not.

we have had to deal with formers and try really hard to let things go in one ear and out the other. as time goes on, it gets easier. but sometimes I just have to shake my head and say, WTF is (s)he thinking?!

Maisy

2010-12-28T16:25:00.002-06:00

I was surprised a week before the holiday with this beautiful kitten.. I did not know anything about it and was completely surprised. She is the cutest thing but I have forgotten how much energy a kitten has, especially at night! She is very social and friendly. I hope as she grows she will continue to snuggle with us. I just hope she will stop running across my face in the middle of the night. Ha! You can see the "M" on her forehead, too. I just had to name her a M name. She is my Maisy Daisy.

Thank you so very much, chalupa.

hey!

2010-12-28T15:55:00.001-06:00

I tried to embed this but for some reason, I cannot.

Go here instead to see one of my favorites songs.

is it over?

2010-12-27T19:56:00.002-06:00

the holidays. most people look forward to them but also feel a sense of relief once they are over? do you feel this way? this year was new...a new home, new people in our lives...a crazy time of year. yet a very nice time of year.

we gathered at a few homes and with different people. we had our ups...and we had our downs.

I am going to look at the new year with a renewed sense of purpose. things will continue to look up...in many aspects of life. I believe this and will do more to make sure of it.

I promise.

my bottle

2010-12-16T14:44:00.000-06:00

bottle it up

2010-12-12T10:11:00.004-06:00

snow is falling, the temperature is cold. it has been a good few days. I love the feeling the holidays bring. can we bottle up the spirit of the season and then open it during the rest of the year?

love is real

2010-12-08T09:17:00.000-06:00

so nice to hear

2010-12-07T21:49:00.003-06:00

today I got a compliment on my kids. I was told that I have two great kids...this I already knew, but it is so very nice to be told by someone else. this is someone who just met them today, too! she spent some time with both of them and gave me a very much needed pat on the back.

sometimes being a parent is thankless, .. no, most times it is thankless. but it is times like these that make all the crap worth while.

it sure feels great. :)

Serendipity - "When You Know"

2010-12-04T18:03:00.001-06:00

like family

2010-12-03T09:57:00.003-06:00

how many of you are pet owners? do you feel as though your pets are members of your family? do you love them unconditionally? they make the best of friends..they love you no matter what, they always listen to you, they don't talk back and are constant companions. you always know they are there waiting for you when you return home.

I left three of my family members this past June. I have known the oldest for about 16 years. these family members are my cats. the first cat is Nightro. he is my baby. so sweet, an old man. I was afraid of him at first but came to love him more than anything. he was MY cat. and it breaks my heart that I don't see him anymore. I called him Nightie or white toe.

the second cat is Bosco. he is a character...very fat, made fun of often, but oh so lovable. he will snuggle with you and bring you socks in his mouth. his nickname is BB or Beamer.

the third cat is Scooby. he is much younger, maybe 5 or 6. he is finicky but very fun. he is a large cat, tall and long. his markings are beautiful and I miss his silliness. we called him Scoobers.

I cannot imagine the range of emotions I will feel when I receive the call that one of them has passed. it is as though I lost three members of my family all at once.

and some days it just gets to me.

red is the new color..

2010-12-03T08:31:00.002-06:00

I must say though....both me and my daughter haven't been allowed to sign this cast....we both signed the first cast, the green one... but for some reason, we aren't allowed to sign this one. my son told me that no one has their Mom sign their cast...I asked him to remember who has been driving him to and from school since he refuses to try to get on and off a school bus. he let some other people in the house sign it...

let me say this..I WILL be signing this cast before it comes off of his body.

and that is that.

knock knock

2010-12-01T19:07:00.000-06:00

not a thing to say

2010-11-30T14:38:00.002-06:00

and nobody has anything to say about number 10? really?

if I were to die tomorrow,...well, guess I am the only one who needs to know it.

lollipops

2010-11-30T14:08:00.003-06:00

dear internet,
I am feeling a bit helpless today. what a sickening feeling to want to do something, anything, to make it better for someone in your life and there really isn't anything you can do! sure, I can offer my opinion, make suggestions,.. but in the end, it is up to the someone else to take charge and control of the situation. the last thing I want to do is make someone upset, hurt them.. or push them away.

so please, today, give me the strength to get through all the difficult times. to somehow cast a magical spell on the one who is doing the hurting and make them see how much it has an ill effect on so many...especially on young ones.

hopefully the next time I write, it will be full of sunshine and lollipops. of all good things.

*fingers crossed*

that girl

you decide

2010-11-22T11:58:00.002-06:00

ten things

2010-11-16T16:28:00.003-06:00

1. I love my family more than anything....they are a very important part of who I am.

2. I love the taste of hot tea with honey, two equals and a "splech" of milk.

3. I am afraid of snakes and spiders.

4. Being a good mom is one of the most important things to me.

5. I love to help others...the feeling I get when I can help is priceless. If I could live on the wages of that feel good feeling, I would be rich.

6. Chalupas are one of my favorites things.

7. I love the warm feeling of being snuggled in bed with 17 pounds of blankets on top of me.

8. I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and concentrate more on making ME happy. A happier me means others will be happier, too.

9. The number one thousand nineteen is a great number.

10. If I were to die tomorrow, what would you say about me?

S.A.D.

2010-11-15T14:00:00.005-06:00

do you ever feel like you are in a time warp? as though time is standing still yet moving so very fast? do you ever feel as though you are hungry for knowledge about something and then question why?

why do I continue to feel as though I need to make everyone happy?...I want contentment all around me. the meshing of two different things can take time and energy.

do you ever feel like you want to shake something, someone so hard that all the bad marbles fall out? and then it is like starting over, with a fresh start? do you ever scratch your head and say to yourself, huh?

it is the beginning of the time of year that is both very happy and very difficult for me. I love the holidays. I love the way they make me feel, the way the eyes of my children light up with simple pleasures. but I also know what comes with them. for many years, I feel down this time of year. it always seems like it is a difficult time for me. I know many people suffer from an ailment common this time of year. the hours of daylight seems few and far between. for many years, I blamed it on my life..my emotional life. I was unhappy for so long. I am in a better place now. yet I still have the sad place looming in the back of my head and heart. last year, I did not put out any Halloween decorations..and for those of you that know me, this holiday is one of my favorites. Christmas was tough last year...I did not participate in any tree trimming...I put out no decorations around the house. all I wanted to do was crawl in bed.

I don't want to feel like that this year. but lately I am feeling very tired in the afternoon..all I want to do is take a nap. is this the beginning of the mild depression I feel every year at this time? if I am this aware of it, why can't I do something about it? try to go and outside every day when it is sunny?

I am conscious of it so I promise to myself to try to do something about it. and hopefully, being so aware of it will help alone.

what do others do to combat this disorder each year?

I've got...

2010-11-10T14:03:00.000-06:00

wth

2010-11-09T19:24:00.003-06:00

sometimes, are you ever so surprised by something you hear that just scratching your head and saying, why?, isn't quite enough??!

that happened to me today.

I was told something about a mutual acquaintance that I had to interrupt the one telling to ask, "WHAT?" and added, "are you kidding me? and she laughed? and your daughter asked her that? what did she say? sounds like she is sorta proud of it."

but in honesty, it is sad. very sad. and within five minutes of hanging up the phone, I had the worst headache. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I just couldn't get the mental image out of my head.

it makes me mad, too. she needs a firm backhand across the face one of these days. she needs to learn her lesson the hard way. I just keep telling myself, what goes around, comes around.

wait til you get yours, honey.

821

2010-11-08T18:56:00.003-06:00

well, the new color is green. he wanted it to be orange but he got green. I tried to be the good Mom and get orange involved somehow, so orange is on the crutches.

yes, a green cast with orange towels secured by orange duct tape on the crutches. it was at first black and orange nerf footballs on the top of the crutches..but they are too wide.

I even got to be the first one to sign the cast.

one week

2010-11-06T13:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. It has been one week. Seems so much has happened in one week.

I am feeling a bit down today. The holidays are coming before I know it, before any of us even realize, and I am wondering how I am going to do it this year. My last duck isn't in line...and sometimes I get so mad at myself. I should have kept track of how many jobs I have applied for. I am now an official sub for one district but have been called only once. My son was sick this week at school..had to go and get him on Tuesday. We were able to attend the field trip into the city on Wed but got another call on Thurs from school...only this time, he was injured. Turns out he broke a bone in his foot. We go to the specialist on Monday. I am trying to keep my head above water but sometimes I just really feel like I am bobbing to stay alive.

I worked on some literature for the business my sister and I are trying to start. Deep down, I want it to take off so we have flexibility with schedules during the day and we both end up what we love doing...working with and for kids. When I subbed and was back in the classroom, it was as though I never left. It just felt right.

As long as I feel as though I am serving others, I am satisfied.

The only problem is that a monetary compensation is necessary at this stage in my life. I cannot make it with the intrinsic satisfaction of volunteering or subbing sporadically.

sigh. Will I ever make it?

birthdays

2010-10-30T08:37:00.002-05:00

When we were kids, birthdays were everything. We looked forward to the special day, the party, the gifts. Then as we got older, it lost some of its meaning. We worked, no one was around the make the big fuss out of it like our parents did when we were kids. But you know what? Just because we are older doesn't make our birthdays any less meaningful. I can speak from experience.

My birthday falls on the 13th of my birth month. I always thought it was something special. I was born on Friday the 13th...and ended up being the middle child. I would joke about this, placing blame on all my faults on this mere fact. My Mom always made my favorite cake...angel food with chocolate frosting...sprinkles, too, and it always got frosted down the middle of the cake, too. This cake is also my Dad's favorite..maybe that is why I loved it so much. It is a fabulous cake!

Now let's throw in the fact that my second child had a due date of the 19th of the same month of my birthday. This is okay, I tell myself. It will be far enough away so we each have our own day. (I say this because once I didn't live at home, I always had to make my own cake. On a few occasions, I had a DQ ice cream cake but never one made just for me. Unless my Mom was in town for a visit...) Long story short, I had to have another c-cection with child number two. My first was a scheduled c-section as he was breech. I had hopes of a VBAC with number two but she just wouldn't cooperate. So another scheduled section. I can remember vividly the doctor saying one week before due date was the best time...which would put it on the 12th. I had laughed and said, "Oh what a birthday gift. My birthday is the 13th." To which my OB said, "You can schedule for then if you want." HAHAHAHHAHAHA..share my day? It had already gotten lost over the years. No thank you. So my beautiful daughter arrived the day BEFORE my birthday. We each have our own day.

Which leads to me to today. Today is the birthday of someone very special to me. I have known him for a long time and have remet after a long time. He has become very important to me and today I want to celebrate HIM. I want to celebrate all that he is and does.

Today is YOUR day, chalupa.

And I couldn't be happier to celebrate it with you.

ღ♥¸¸.•¨•♫♫✿ ♥

2010-10-26T19:49:00.002-05:00

Where to begin...I subbed today! It was the first day in this state...oh, I have many years experience but first time here.

And. it. felt. great.

It is as though you are riding a bike, or something else that once you learn to do, you don't forget how to do it. (*get your minds out of the gutter*)

The banter, the rhythm...the flow of the day. It just felt great.

We also had some bad weather come through today. We were under a tornado warning just as I was getting out of the shower...and if you know anything about me, I am a weather junkie. I wasn't happy. The warning passed and it was windy. The weather folks are saying it will be windy for the next few days...but nothing compared to the little town I used to call home. I do not know if it is confirmed but what looks like a tornado went through the town. Some houses no longer have roofs. One part of town was blocked off and you cannot get through the area. My ex's house is okay but he lost power for awhile. As much as we sometimes dislike those from our past, I am glad he is okay. The elementary school is being used as a shelter tonight via Red Cross. I am just very thankful there wasn't any death or serious injury.

I posted something tonight on a social page that I am curious to the comments. That's all I am saying about that.

For tomorrow will be a better day....in regards to weather, relationships, everything. Life is what we make of it and I plan on the making the best of it.

ღ♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♫✿ ♥ ღ♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♫✿ ♥

life is good

2010-10-20T11:35:00.003-05:00

where to begin, where to begin....

it seems so much has happened the past week. steps forward, and then steps back. and sometimes the steps have absolutely nothing to do with each other!

I ate some amazing garlic last night. I know, it sounds simply crazy. garlic? yes! I actually felt silly last night. again, sounds crazy. I was with some girlfriends of mine. over the past few months, we have grown closer. two are ladies that I knew and grew up with. over the years, we lost touch, got back in touch, then lost it again. the third? nothing more needs to be said other than I am so happy to call her friend. =)

back to the silly...if you haven't been able to read between the lines since I began this journey of blogging years ago (sunday november 20, 2005 to be exact), my life has gone through some major transformations. my kids have grown, my marriage fell apart. I have moved back home and have been surrounded by family and friends I had forgotten how important are to me.

I feel like me again. and it feels amazing.

there have been many a nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered to myself, what is my life? but last night? I am not certain what it was....the company, the atmosphere....I really don't know. but I laughed, I felt silly. and it felt great.

other things have been playing out as well in my life. I have wondered at what age do we just move on, let go, and allow the things in our life to just be shed without worry of upset or consequence? if there is one thing I have learned over the past few years is that life is too damn short. at the end of the day, you answer to yourself. and if you can truly fall asleep at night with a sigh of relief that you did the best you could on that day, that you are happy with where you are in your life, then all is good.

all can be good.

is it good for me right now? I am still waiting for the last duck to get his ass in line but in most other aspects, life is good. sorta like jake, you know, the life is good guy?..

yah, life IS good. thanks to each of you that make it good for me every day.

what is love?

2010-10-09T14:56:00.004-05:00

What is love? No, not the song by Haddaway. But LOVE, the emotion you feel for someone else. There are many sorts of love...the love you feel for your friends, the love for your family..your parents, your siblings, your grandparents. The awesome love you feel for your children. The love you feel for someone not related to you: your spouse, your significant other.

Someone dear to me recently asked this..what is love? What is marriage? Some thoughts were tossed around.

*I think it changes. In your early twenties, aren't most people who get married full of happily ever after and do they not really think of the struggles marriages go through? Is that why they end in divorce? Does the answer to the question change with age and the different things we go through in life? Is what you expect from marriage different at 18, 28, 48? Does is change with the baggage we accumulate, the people we encounter? The changes in ourselves?

*Maybe it's taking each day at a time, while holding onto that image of us in 25 years. I don't know... I really don't.
Being married means taking care of myself and what I want to do, while checking in with my spouse about it. Finding that balance between "me time" and "us time". Knowing that if I feel even a glimmer of fear that we're headed down the wrong path, that we need to figure out how to get ourselves turned around.

*sigh, what does marriage give? I suppose some of us who have been married, remarried or not remarried but very happy...maybe our views are different. Different because we went through the experience of a failed marriage. I agree that when I was young, I was 24 when I married, I thought marriage would give me the happiness. I expected disagreements, sure, but I don't think I expected it to be so much work. I don't think I expected to be at the point to where I felt like I had given all I had to give and was getting nothing in return. I can honestly say now that I wish I had waited!! I was still finding myself, developing my intrinsic "me". My marriage failed for many reasons...lack of communication, lack of intimacy, a sense of control... the absence of him, even when he was physically present.

*Your marriage question -- although it's not the sexiest answer, my expectation from marriage is having best friend for life and someone who makes be a better person and stronger in my faith & relationship with God - and hopefully I am that for him, too! Again, not super exciting, but if I had to sum it up in one sentence, that be it. :-)

Does waiting until you are more who you are meant to be make for a better relationship, better marriage? Are some people meant to never marry or do they just never find the right person?

Here is what LOVE is defined as:

love

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

Do we choose to love or is it an emotion we just feel without having any control over it? Can we choose to NOT love someone?

Can we control who we love? We can not love those we are related to but usually the case is that we have an affection for those in our families. But can we control who we love, who we want to be our best friend and lover? How is compatibility determined?

Does anyone have any thoughts...please share.

anything

2010-10-08T11:45:00.003-05:00

dear internet,
I have been thinking about you lately. I haven't heard from you in a while. I imagine you have lots on your mind...

the leaves are falling and the air is brisk. I love the sound of leaves crunching beneath my feet. the smell of dried leaves, of pumpkins and squash.

as I sit here alone with my thoughts, many things come to mind. but today, I promise to myself to clear my head and enjoy the day. I will be out with my Mom, sister and niece. a last minute gathering of girls.

I am off to relish in this day.

that girl

ps. don't forget, it's OK to talk to me about anything.

blog with purpose

2010-10-06T16:14:00.002-05:00

I mailed something today that is one of the first steps to a potential job. Keep all fingers, toes and everything crossed something will come of it..or something~~!!

Have you ever visited this blog? I like to frequent it, sometimes submit posts...some posts are very funny, some very sad, some ridiculous, ...but hey, it is the purpose of the blog.

wordless wednesday

2010-10-06T13:17:00.000-05:00

♥♥♥

2010-10-04T19:51:00.000-05:00

all I have to say today...

2010-10-04T08:33:00.002-05:00

mixed emotions

2010-10-02T18:30:00.003-05:00

I cried today. For many of you, it may seem silly and ridiculous, but I cried. I cried because of this....much time was spent there, working, volunteering, laughing, making friends, and cherishing hugs from students. Thanks for the memories.

I also had a very nice talk with someone special to me last night. We seem to be having a lot of those lately. It really means a lot...and this morning? Yeah, I was sorta embarrassed. But I also don't regret anything.

a few things

2010-10-01T08:43:00.002-05:00

dear internet,
it's been awhile since I last heard from you. are you alright? I know life has been difficult the last few days but is something on your mind? we never expected it to be easy, a piece of cake. but I never imagined it might be this difficult either. did you? as long as we continue to be open and honest, then only good things will happen.

I found a funny photo today...well, it actually found me. go here to see it.

oh, and if you by chance are the reader that happened upon this site a few years ago, through circumstance when I was looking for your sibling, then go here. you will understand. :)

and for my newly braced friend, I hope your mouth feels better soon. the pix you sent the other day, I am sure, does not do it justice. I really appreciate you listening to me when you do. whether by email, text or talking on the phone, you may never know how very much it means to me. thank you!

that is all I have. off to do work to get work.

love,
that girl

♪♫♪♪♪♫ ♪♫♫♫

2010-09-28T19:46:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we forget about things that we know will make us happy. You know it is going to happen, that it is something you look forward to but you still forget. Then when you least expect it, you are reminded of it. And it is such an awesome surprise.

And what is even better is that it hasn't even happened yet.

♪♫♪♪♪♫ ♪♫♫♫

no matter what

2010-09-27T19:26:00.002-05:00

as frustrating as life can be, isn't it nice to know at the end of the day, you will be able to hug someone and feel loved? no matter what the day might bring, I thank God every day for bringing me this gift.

thank you.

there

2010-09-27T09:57:00.001-05:00

hey soul sister

2010-09-25T16:32:00.003-05:00

Hey, hey, hey
Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my
Left-side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you
Blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every
Single dream I dream
I knew when we collided
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister
Ain't that mister mister
On the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair, you know
Hey soul sister
I don't wanna miss
A single thing you do
Tonight
Hey, hey, hey
Just in time
I'm so glad you have
A one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection
We can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat
Right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you
Like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister
Ain't that mister mister
On the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair, you know
Hey soul sister
I don't wanna miss
A single thing you do
Tonight
The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see, I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister
Ain't that mister mister
On the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair, you know
Hey soul sister
I don't wanna miss
A single thing you do
Tonight
Hey soul sister
I don't wanna miss
A single thing you do
Tonight
Hey, hey, hey
Tonight

head held high

2010-09-25T13:42:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night...and it was about a friend of mine.

She is not married anymore after many years. She is very happy with her life right now. She has found happiness with someone she has known for a very long time....he is also not married anymore. Both have kids and the families have seemingly blended well. However, his kids recently asked their mom (the conversation was somehow listened to ... remember, this was a dream) an important question... "Why can't you find someone and be happy like daddy? Why do you date different guys?" To which their mom replied, "She (meaning my friend) is the reason me and daddy aren't married anymore."

This of course caused all sorts of problem because it isn't true! The next time they saw my friend, they wouldn't talk to her. They looked at her with great disgust. When asked why the change in behavior, they told their dad everything. It was as though I was a fly on the wall, floating in the air, ...and was witness to it all. But as the conversation continued between the dad and his kids, I woke up. So what does this mean? How can my friend feel good about the changes in her life, her happiness, her relationship..when another woman is filling the heads of innocent children with lies.

I told my friend this: the important thing is that the truth will eventually come out. If not now, then maybe in a few years. Maybe when the kids are older and can understand it better...but in the end, everyone will know the truth. Until then, try to hold your head high and know in your heart that you were NOT the cause.

My friend just looked at me and said, "That is one of the most difficult things to do."

will not say goodbye

2010-09-25T12:03:00.002-05:00

*be sure to stop music on the sidebar....

how do you see me?

2010-09-22T15:49:00.004-05:00

The way we see ourselves if often not the reality others see in us. My astrological sign is Pisces. Below are some classic characteristics of the fish. Are they accurate?

How do YOU see me?

************************
Pisces Personality:
"Understanding" is a most appropriate keyword for this gentle, affectionate sign. Easygoing and generally accepting of others around them, Pisceans are often found in the company of a variety of different personalities. Their willingness to give of themselves emotionally lends to an aura of quiet empathy. A Pisces is comforting to be around. While not likely to be the leader, this sign's presence is strong and vibrant in any cause they put their hearts into.

Pisces Key Words:
Strengths: Intuitive, compassionate, artistic, gentle, wise, musical.
Weaknesses: Can be a victim or martyr, fearful, overly trusting, sad, desire to escape reality.
Charismatic marks: Soft, sometimes frail to medium build. Face easily shows emotion.
Likes: Spiritual themes, time alone, visual media, time to sleep, romance, music, swimming.
Dislikes: Know-it-alls, the past coming back to haunt, being criticized, cruelty of any kind.
Best environment: On or near water, especially the sea. The movie theater.

Friends and Family:
Gentle Pisceans make some of the best friends there are. In fact, they often put the needs of their friends ahead of their own. Loyal, dedicated, supportive and compassionate, no problem is too big for the Piscean to take on. Big or small, when a challenge arises for family or friend, they will be there in every capacity possible to make things better. Deeply intuitive, Pisceans can often sense when something is askew long before anything is said. Pisceans are expressive by nature and don't hesitate to let those around them know how they feel. It's not surprising for a Pisces to write a song for someone, or to buy a gift that is heartfelt and meaningful. They prefer others to be as open with them as they are. Communication with loved ones is considered most important.

Career and Money:
Intuitive and often dreamy, the Piscean is most comfortable in positions that bring their creative natures into humanitarian causes. Some good careers for this sign are lawyer, architect, veterinarian, musician, social worker, and game designer. The key phrase for this sign is "I believe." It's important for the Piscean to feel strongly about their endeavors. Inspired by the need to make a difference in the lives of those they touch, the Piscean is most charitable and will often go way above and beyond the call of duty. Sensitive, deeply compassionate, hardworking, dedicated and reliable, this is one sign that really knows how to get to the heart of the matter. They can be excellent problem solvers. For the most part, Pisceans don't give money too much thought. They are more concerned with their dreams and goals than with money. Yet, because this is often times a component to reaching their aspirations, the Piscean will ensure they have the money they need. They can be of two minds in this area. On one hand the Pisces will spend, spend, spend with little thought, and on the other hand they can become quite miserly. Yet, in the end there'll always seem to be enough to do what they want in life.

Pisces in Love:
Deep within the Piscean beats the heart of the diehard romantic. Loving, tender, and exceptionally giving, this sign cherishes intimacy deeply. They are passionate lovers that need to feel a real connection with their mates. Quick flings and superficial interludes do not bide well for the Piscean whatsoever. In relationships, they are fiercely loyal and doting. They love to give gifts and to make the person in their life feel like a million dollars. Nothing is too good for the Piscean's love interest!

lemons

2010-09-20T12:47:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, life hands you lemons. And most people would say, well, then make some lemonade! Sometimes, life hands you bad lemons and after a while, the lemonade isn't so good any more.

I recently learned of a little boy living in FL. He was a little baby that was born earlier this year and recently was diagnosed with A.L.L... Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. This especially touched me as little boy in my life also has this type of cancer. It broke my heart to read about what was happening to him and how his parents were coping. Within two days of "meeting" this little baby, he died. I sat at my computer and cried.

I. sat. and. cried.

I have lost loved ones to cancer. I held my Grandma's hand as she left this world for a better one...and one thing I have learned is this: Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease. It does not discriminate.

Can you think of my special someone and the little baby, Mason?

Please go and read Mason's story. You can participate in finding a cure by going here.

And each day, be sure to tell those close to you how much they mean. Some think saying "I love you" is over used...I disagree. You can never give or receive too many hugs and kisses.

PS... love you, chalupa.

what does it take?

2010-09-14T19:49:00.002-05:00

What is hope?

To want?

To desire?

To expect that what's envisioned may indeed happen?

YES to all of the above.

Is hope that gut feeling that it's worth holding out and hanging on for just a little bit longer?

ABSOLUTELY.

Is hope the core of the human condition?

CERTAINLY.

Can you have hope without faith and humility and wonder?

THAT'S TOUGH.

Just the thought that there's something bigger, something truer, something totally surprising out there waiting for us is....

priceless.

What would you be without hope growing deep in your bones, thriving in every inch of you?

NOTHING.

What does it take to hope?

EVERYTHING.

talking

2010-09-14T14:44:00.003-05:00

"so, did you walk yesterday?" the little girl asked the woman.

"no," she said.

"why not?" asked the little girl.

"I am not sure."

"I bet you do know why," said the little girl.

"let me think for a minute and I will try to answer your question," said the woman.

the woman sat in the shade under the tree and thought to herself. she wanted to walk...she would love to get out every day. but something inside her didn't always let her. at times, she felt as though it was a fight inside of her. do this, no,..do that.

"I think I am ready to answer your question," the woman called to the little girl.

"ok. I am ready to listen."

"you see, as you grow up you discover that there are bigger things to life than how much time you get at recess or how much you don't like your brother for something he said to you when really you were the one who started it. the disagreements you have with your friends at school seem almost laughable when you're an adult. you realize that life is much bigger than you are."

"that doesn't make any sense," said the little girl.

"I know," said the woman. "that is because you are a little girl. wait until you're a grown up."

"you still want the fun and silly things in life that make you happy...the spontaneous adventures with those you love, the ice cream in the middle of the day for no reason. you want the days you can stay in your pajamas all day, eat whatever you want and not care. but there are responsibilities, bills to pay, others to take care of. if only to take care of yourself. for when you are a grown up, you realize that the only real person to take care of you is YOU. you must learn how to love yourself, on your own, before anyone else can really love you. now, does that answer why I didn't walk? not really. but in a way, it does. I was taking care of myself. for you see, someone I care about needs all the love and prayers they can get right now. and if I don't take care of myself, then there is no way I can care for another."

"but walking is healthy and it is good for your body," said the little girl.

"you couldn't be more right," said the woman. "but I was taking time for me so that on another day, I can take care of someone else. and these others, well, they need to know that there ARE others that are here to take care of them. and sometimes that can be very difficult as a grown up."

"hmmm," the little girl said. "oh, I get it. you were refreshing your soul so that it could be ready for other people."

"yes, sort of. I think you understand. is there anything else you want to ask me?" asked the woman.

"yeah," said the girl. "do you love yourself?"

the woman looked surprised by the question. she thought for a moment and replied,"yes, yes I do. it is a work in progress but I love myself more now than I have in years. thank you for asking."

the woman took the girl's small hand into hers and they walked together through the trees.

one reason

2010-09-12T18:17:00.002-05:00

we had a meeting of the minds last night. I am hoping the he said, she said is nipped in the bud for awhile. I am hoping that others perspectives are seen more clearly now.

need some sleep. why am I feeling so very tired? I know one reason..I am not taking care of myself. I was feeling so very good. physically, I am talking about. I need to be more active, do more walking. I know that is all I need yet why do I put it off?

tomorrow. and I will write to share about it.

they said

2010-09-11T19:23:00.002-05:00

sigh.

long long test today. feeling physically and emotionally tired.

why is it when all of them are together, there is always drama? whining? tattling? I know it is a work in progress but why is it the same things over and over? can we ever have time when everyone gets along? there isn't any he said, she said?

sigh.

maybe one day.

what is it for you?

2010-09-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me.

Love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person.

Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of.

Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.

all it takes

2010-09-04T11:34:00.003-05:00

♥
╔══╗
╚╗╔╝
╔╝ (¯`v´¯)
╚══`. ¸. this weather! The temps have cooled off. It is beginning to feel like autumn. Spring and fall are my two favorite seasons. Fall ~ the cooler temperatures are a welcome after a hot summer. The leaves falling and the crunch you hear under your feet is second to none. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, too.

Spring ~ after being stuck inside during the winter months, the warmer air outside is a much needed relief to the stuffiness inside. Witnessing the birth of new tree buds and flowers poking their sleepy heads out from the dirt are things that make me smile. It always makes me feel good inside when hostas or daffodils (or tulips or crocus) begin the journey above ground.

So today, enjoy the weather. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Hug someone tight. Take that hand you want to hold and squeeze it tight, letting the other person know you are thinking about them. Life is too short to let the good things pass us by. Plant that kiss on their cheek and let it linger a few seconds longer than normal.

Sometimes that is all it takes. ♥

just stuff

2010-09-03T09:58:00.002-05:00

Hmm...life is a small town.

*My son was put in to play in Tuesday's football game and was told by the ref that he could not because his jersey did not have sleeves. My son relayed it to me like this: "Son, you can't play. No sleeves. Buh bye." Both his home and away jerseys do not have sleeves.. They were apparently cut off by a previous player. Coach will be getting him some different jerseys before next week's game.

*note: another player took off his own jersey and my son switched with his own so he could play. I would also like to commend our own coach for modeling good sportsmanship. We were down considerable and the B teams were put in. The other team, however, kept in their A string QB and running back. Needless to say, the score continued to climb for the other team. Our coach was NOT happy. He yelled at our boys (and by yelling, I mean yelling in regards to his displeasure not yelling AT our boys) that running up the score is unacceptable and poor sportsmanship. "Our team will NEVER do that to another team!!" *applause for coach K*

*Both of my kids have come home with phone numbers of other kids at school. Time will help with the adjustment. God, I love my kids.

*G asked if she could wait up for me to say goodnight. Baby steps, baby steps.

*D and I had a "moment" yesterday....his wooby smelled like bacon. Enough said.

*find out what a wooby is here

*A momma's proud moment...My daughter was torn between doing what she knew she had to do and something she knew would make someone else happy. To witness empathy in your child is an amazing moment for a parent.

So that's it. I have nothing else.

Oh, yeah.... Chalupa.

Now that's it.

just a minute

2010-08-31T15:22:00.001-05:00

dear internet...

I only have but just a minute but wanted to drop by. seems like I would have more time to stop in and share things but have been on a roller coaster. most of the time, it is okay. as I said in my most recent post, I am liking my life, my home. but I am not liking that I cannot find a job. I am educated and dare I say, personable. I can learn things quickly and can develop rapport with just about anyone. how many hours a day can one spend on line looking for a job? the field I am trained in is letting people go quickly...the competition has become oversaturated with people, other people, that have lost their jobs and then fall into the field in which I desire.

most days, I am okay. but then there are days when I feel really depressed...wondering and shaking my head as to what I am going to do. I am getting by...but only because of the generosity and love from someone who cares about me and my kids. the last thing I want to do is to create trouble or problems when all else is good, is right.

so tell me, wide world...when will my last duck get his ass in line? if only for a minute...so that all will feel good in my world? can one feel stuck or down, as though on a roller coaster? how long can one feel like this before it causes real life problems with those she loves?... *sigh*

that one piece is missing....and I need help finding it. that, or some really good luck, fate, chance, destiny, or whatever it might be called.

that girl

♥

2010-08-27T13:10:00.002-05:00

I need a newspaper.

I need a shower.

I need pain relief.

I need to brush my teeth.

I need to make sure those people really know.

the luck of the draw isn't always so very lucky. how is luck determined? is there any fate or destiny involved? is is all random?

green grass, blue skies. white clouds. true love. red roses, and white daisies.

I recently came across something that reads like this: A home is a place to do things, not store things. It's not meant to house your possessions, but your life. I am liking my life, my home. ♥

many changes have happened in my life. adjustments have had to been made. in the end, I am happy. I like where I am at..in most aspects. those of you know where I am still working...but day to day, I am happy. and I just wanted to put into black and white, out there for the whole wide world internet, that it feels good. it feels right.

I am liking my life, my home. ♥

♥
♥
♥

enough said

2010-08-20T13:47:00.001-05:00

isn't this a loaded question? I think I might attempt anything and everything if I knew I would not fail. but isn't failure a part of life? we all fail at something. a test, meeting a goal, relationships, jobs...

don't we become stronger once we fail? don't we learn from our mistakes and then only become stronger? become a better person?

I have failed. at many things.

am I a better, stronger person now than I was before?...